Better days

Since my last post (sorry about that rant) I have had more good days than bad days, YAY! I really am starting to see through the clouds, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Now if only I could unchain myself from what's holding me back. My latest craft obsession seems to help a lot. If I had the money I would make a set for everyone I know.

I also made this song my ringtone for when he calls.
We're not gonna take it

The easy way out

Throughout my life I believe I have always been known as the kind of person to take the easy way out. Given my current situation there is no easy way out. I have heard a few good quotes in the last couple of days. One by Mother Teresa, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much." and the other one was said by one of the people on Biggest Losers this week. I love what Cassandra said, "All this time you've been telling yourself no when you should have been telling yourself yes."

Life has been extremely difficult over the last year. I never thought I could make it, and at times I didn't want to. But now I am starting to see the clouds parting. I still have A LOT of self doubt, but I feel more alive than I've felt in years. I am finally starting to stand up for myself. It kills me that some people have stopped talking to me, and others don't believe I can do it. But one day, I will do it. I will make it. I CAN make it. On my own. Without any help. Yes, right now, I need all the help I can get. But I'm stubborn. Anyone who knows me will tell you that. Yes, sometimes I agree with things just to avoid conflict, but I don't want to be a push over any more.

I am worth it! I deserve better. I want better. Sure, things aren't as bad as they could be, but they're no bed of roses either. Ever gone 8 months without being intimate with your partner? I have. Ever wished you slept in separate beds? I have. Ever found your mate to be repulsive and disgusting? I have. Ever swallowed your tears and tried to be strong for your kids and hide your pain from the world? I have, boy have I ever!

But not anymore. I am not going to hide. I am done taking orders and doing what's best for everyone else. I'm going to do what's best for me, and my babies. Even if it means working until I pass out just to make ends meet. I am done playing games. I am done with people who think I am too much "drama" to handle. I am done.

I've lost good friends and my family is very disappointed in me, but all I need right now is faith. When I felt like everyone had abandoned me I remembered the one person who said he never would. And now I am trying my hardest not to ignore him anymore. He knows all, he sees all, and he is the creator of all. There are people out there that believe there is no God. Where is the proof? It's everywhere! Open your eyes. If you seek him, you will find him. He doesn't choose who to help, but rather we choose if we want his help. I want it, and I need it. I need to swallow my pride and let him help me. He's the only one who can.

So what's going on? If you haven't already heard, or guessed, my marriage is just about ended. We are both wanting someone else, though I am not looking for anyone at the moment. I just want a hug, nothing more. I don't remember the last time someone over the age of 3 hugged me. Our values and priorities no longer match, so it cannot work unless one of us is willing to change, and neither of us are. These are my boundaries, and I will not cross them: no alcohol, no drugs, no smoking, no porn, the list goes on but those are the main things I will not ever give in to. I don't see the point. Others do. Good for you.

If you are happy being you, then by all means don't let me make you feel like you are less of a person because you see the world differently than I do. Everyone needs to find their own happiness. I haven't found mine yet, but I hope I will find it one day.