Do it for yourself

From the time I was a small child I remember always wanting to be like someone else. First it was my cousin. She had the longest most beautiful blonde hair, so naturally I wanted hair just like hers. Never had it. My hair is thin and fine, and hers was thick. As I got older my focus went to my friends. I wanted to do everything they did, and hated it when I was left out. My two best friends (neither of which do I still keep in touch with) were in dance, so I always wanted to be a dancer. I'm not very coordinated, but there is still a spark of that dream in me.

Then in junior high, all my friends were in band, orchestra, and choir. I am somewhat musically challenged. Again, no coordination. And although I do like performing, I have major stage fright, and can't act/sing in front of people. So I gave up on that dream as well, determined that I would never be "as good" as my friends. I still desire those things, but alas the self defeat keeps me from them.

Then in high school, I wanted to be "pretty" but I had the wrong kind of hair, didn't know how to do make up, had acne (still do), non-wealthy parents, and seemingly no friends at times. I wasn't bullied. I was just invisible. I realized later that I made myself invisible. But I digress. When I finally had my first "official" boyfriend (the first boy I kissed) I changed a lot about myself. He didn't make me make these changes, and I still have fond feelings towards him (but not in a romantic sense) but sometimes I wonder how things might be different. I started wearing all black, and was a lot more serious then I had been previously. Also the fact that I was 18 came with the sense that I had to "grow up." I think that is when I lost whatever it is that makes me ME.

People who knew me in high school/junior high/elementary might say I am a lot different. Or maybe they don't. I don't know, I haven't asked. But I know that I don't smile as much as I used to. I don't feel so carefree, and fun. And it took me a long time to start singing again. This boy is not to blame for this change, it was gradual.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make (before I got way off topic) was that you shouldn't do things just so other people will like you better. I've done that my whole life, and now I think it's time to stop. I feel very self conscious, especially when well-meaning people make comments about how "we shouldn't make people feel bad for wearing bright clothing to church" as I sit on the front row wearing a hot-pink t-shirt. But that's me. I want to be that fun-loving person I was 10 years ago. I'm not sure what changed, why I became so serious. But after having a small glimpse of that brought back into the open recently, I want it back. I want people to see the silly side of me. It's ok to be serious, but being "grown up" doesn't mean you don't have fun anymore (so I've been told).

So, I am going to be ME, for me. Not for anyone else. I don't want to win someone's approval or affection. I want to be acknowledged for being uniquely me. Because let's face it, how many people have you met that are like me?

As I said in my last post, "I am enough. I am awesome." and I like being weird.

Taking a stand

As you may already know, I'm a pretty passive person by nature. But it has come to my attention that that must now change. My whole life I have been a "peace maker." Which I initially thought to be a good thing, a compliment. Well, as I got older I realized that it meant I was a "pushover" someone people could easily take advantage of. I don't want to be mean, I've never wanted to be mean. So now I must learn how to stand my ground and not hurt others. 

What is the secret? I'm still trying to figure that out. As I loosen my training wheels, I find myself saying things I regret later, but still feel somewhat relieved. For instance, It drives me nuts when someone leaves water on the counter and I lean into it. There are things that bother me that I obsess about.  But I try to "brush it off" and ignore it. But eventually, it starts to fester. This is the mistake I've always made. Instead of actually dealing with my problems I try to ignore them, they fester, and then they cause me to explode in an emotional rage.

It's amazing what little things can cause an explosion. And I've decided it's ok to have mini explosions from time to time, much better than to have one huge explosion every couple of weeks. Just as long as you apologize to any innocent bystanders who may have been effected. Now for some people that seems like a bold statement, but really and truly does anyone keep their cool all the time? The trick, I'm learning, is that you control the explosions. YOU control THEM. They don't control you. "Oh it's just my/your hormones..." That is only part of the problem.

It is ok to have anger, it's how you deal with it that makes all the difference in the world. Explain it to yourself, or whoever happened to be there when you went off. "I'm not angry at you, I'm angry because I stayed up too late and didn't sleep as long as I would have liked." Then resolve to change whatever triggered the anger in the first place: solution, go to bed earlier. Still working on that one, lol.

One of my dear friends is going through a similar situation I am in, and she is always posting positive things on her social network page. Things like "Never settle for less than you deserve" and "I'm enough" and "Be who you are." These are the things that get us through the day.

I believe they have a name for these sayings: positive reinforcement. It seems tacky, and silly, and even ridiculous at times, but eventually you may actually start believing "I am enough. I do deserve more. And I am a great person." It is ok to have "meh" days when you don't believe it, just remember to pick yourself back up, don't let the negative reinforcements win.

I was once told to think of negative thoughts the same way some think of evil spirits. You must banish them from your mind. And you have to be forceful and strong. And you HAVE to believe it will work.