You are worth it

To all my readers, I am sorry I don't follow your blogs. I am sorry I have not been a very good friend to you, but thank you for being here for me. Even silently. It makes all the difference in the world to know my words are reaching someone instead of just silently blending into the vastness of information in this world we live in.

You are a wonderful person. You can do it. And you are loved. I want you to know that I do care about you and I hope you find everlasting happiness in your life.

If you haven't found it yet, don't lose hope. It's out there, it has to be, or this life is pointless. A life without happiness is not worth living. That being said, you cannot simply expect happiness. You must make happiness. Find joy in the little things in life. A bee buzzing by your ear threatening to sting, is a remarkable creature. A spider that you are tempted to squish, has a purpose. The leaves on the trees, the wind in the air. All are remarkable creations we have at our leisure.

If you start little by little, one day you will find yourself in a place you never imagined you could be. Don't take a single moment for granted, and if you slip up forgive yourself and move on. Do better next time, but don't be too hard on yourself, some of us are slow learners.

Have faith that things will be better, but appreciate all the blessings you already have. I've spent the last 26 years (give or take a few) thinking about how terrible life is, but not realizing just how easy I've had it. I've never been hospitalized, never broken a bone, had 2 parents at home, and 4 grandparents through my entire childhood, never been kidnapped, never been drugged, never beaten or scorned. The most mockery I ever had to deal with was because of something stupid I had done. I have only lost a few people close to me in my life. I've never felt hated or unprotected or truly unloved. I've had it easy. Sure, I had chronic UTIs as a child, my parents weren't what you'd call well-off, and I had a hard time making friends. I am anemic and have an eating disorder and have been fighting depression for 12 years now. But honestly, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. All my whining and complaining, and rarely anyone said "oh stop whining" they just gave me what I wanted. They put up with me. Until last spring. My (one surviving) grandmother and I were at each other's throats. It wasn't until she said "I hate who you've become." that I realized I needed to change.

I didn't want to be that whiny person anymore who seemed to have a low tolerance of pain, no friends, and no motivations. I want to who I really am. Who I've been all along. I am a strong willed, honest, loving, person. At least, that's who I hope I am. I can be friends with anyone. I never fit into a clique in high school. I always felt left out, but really I was the one secluding myself. I could have been the most popular person if I had just stepped out of my box and said "I don't care what you think. this is me."

So here I am. Take me or leave me. All I ask is that you be who you are and be happy. That's all I want. I don't want everyone to be like me. I love "people watching" it intrigues me to see how differently people think. I'll admit, at times I forget that not everyone thinks like I do. In fact, I have often found myself "outside of the box" wondering why no one else had thought of a situation the way I had. I can't think of any specific examples, but maybe I'm not alone in this.

Anyway, that's the end of my rant for today. I need to get to those birthday presents. My baby is turning 2!

Mind over Matter

I really like this picture (I found on the internet) because it's very unusual. What I've been thinking about a lot lately is this phrase that is likely a quote from some movie somewhere, "Change your perspective, change your life."

To expound on this idea, I would like to suggest a very simple test for you. It seems to be doing wonders for me. So I would like to share with you my "secret" to finding happiness. Consider for a moment that Heaven is not a location, but rather a state of mind.

In many churches we are taught that those who accept God in this life will go on to Heaven and be happy forever, but those who don't are destined to a life of pain and misery. Why is this? Doesn't really seem fair. The trick is not whether they accept him or not, but rather whether they believe it's true.

Imagine for a moment, if you will, that you are addicted to something (could be anything) and suddenly it's gone. Are you going to be miserable? Of course! So, if you die and have not resolved these feelings/addictions (assuming there is an afterlife) you will still have to deal with them. Matters of the "heart" are not easily resolved.

Mental and emotional turmoil require a different kind of strength than overcoming our physical limitations. Herein lies the test. What are you addictions? We all have them. One of mine was misery, and pain. I know, silly. But there it was. I was miserable and I didn't want to change because it had become so much a part of me that is was difficult to let go of.

I am now in the process of letting go. How does one accomplish this? Painfully, slowly, and patiently. Start a little at a time. Tell yourself, "that shouldn't bother me." Then don't let it bother you. For me, whining and fighting kids was a big issue. I was/am a screamer. When I get mad I yell. And I yell a lot. Sometimes I let my anger get the best of me.

I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. It's amazing. Once I stopped yelling back, the kids stopped being so irritating. When my nearly-2-year-old dumps his cereal all over the floor (every morning) I sigh and ask him "why do you do this?" in which he usually replies "cereal!"

I am still working on not getting angry at the end of the day when they just will not go to bed, but I'm doing better. Kids respond well to consistency and rules. We have a "mommy stops cuddling at 9:00" rule, and I was surprised how quickly the "no, stay cuddle!" whining went away. Still have to bribe them to stay in bed, but that's a task for another day.

I have Dana Obleman to thank for the "once a day" rule with food. It's simple, if my children have already had pudding, cereal, french fries, candy, etc then they can't have it again until tomorrow. Every once in a while I give them a treat just because they are sitting quietly and playing nicely, but their treats are very limited and they don't seem to mind too much.

No, I am not perfect! I am just finding a way to "rewire" my brain. By making and following a few rules: don't yell unless the person refuses to listen, say "yes" more, enjoy cuddles, play and just enjoy life. Don't focus on "I didn't do the laundry, the house is a mess, my kids haven't had a bath, I'm too tired..." instead remind yourself of what you did do "I changed diapers, I made sure both kids ate, I showered, I picked up a little, etc..."

And above all, you must all remember you ARE important. You DO make a difference. And you ARE loved.

Thinking in a dark

I sit her in a quiet room blocking out the rest of the world as my children sleep peacefully in the other room, my thoughts are scattered. But my online radio Pandora has a way of bringing me back into focus. I am a hopeless romantic. Always have been. I guess that's why life was extremely difficult when I thought that "happily ever after" was a complete fabrication. I am starting to gain hope that it's not. Sure, everyone has their moments of strife, but I want to believe there are still good men (and women) out there in the cold cruel world who genuinely care about the people they marry.

For me, my first mistake was letting go of myself to please someone else. I will no longer be doing that. I am reminded of all the stupid things I've done in my life, and instead of letting them weight me down, I am going to embrace them. Things like nearly running a red light and freaking my friends out, bring a smile to my face. Don't worry, I am a much better driver these days, except on foggy nights when I can't see two feet in front of me, but then I drive so slowly people are passing me.

I have this fantasy of being with someone who shares my passions (or at least encourages them more than just "that look nice.") someone who makes me laugh, someone who laughs at the silly things I do. Someone like my little boy who just can't help but hug me. I love it when I'm crouched on the floor searching through the cupboard and he just throws his little body on my back and wraps his tiny arms around me. I want someone who can be serious when they need to be (don't make jokes when I'm peeved) but isn't afraid to laugh if I do something ridiculous.

I recently read another blog where the woman said she knew many "happily" married people who were living "parallel lives." I want what she has. She and her husband "co parent" they both take turns being at home and being at work. No one carries a heavier load in either capacity. That sounds nice to me.

Good old Pandora "I can't tell you what you're feeling inside . . .something's missing, gotta look back on your life. . .what about love?" by Heart. What about love? There are more kinds of love than one can imagine. I want deep love. As deep, or deeper than what I feel for my kids. Not someone I feel obligated to be with. But someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

I don't feel so lonely anymore. I have realized I have a lot of people who love me. The love I get from my friends almost makes up for the love I'm lacking in my life. Almost. I was reminded when I went to the temple a few weeks ago that it is "not right for man to be alone" and neither is it right for woman to be alone. We all need someone who can help us achieve our dreams. The woman whose blog I read said that the best kind of family is the kind that grows their dreams together. I love that. I want my kids to accomplish their dreams.

"Next time I fall in love, it will be with you." I tell you, Pandora can read my thoughts. I don't have any specific vision for the future, just that I want my kids to know happiness, and I want to know happiness. And I want us to be able to bless the lives of those around us so that they can know happiness too. That is my dream. I want everyone to know happiness. I don't want anyone to suffer. But I realize that you can't please everyone, so realistically you just have to do what you can.

Let's all go out of our way this year to "try a little harder to be a little better."
Mormon Women is the blog I read. In case you were wondering.

For better or worse?

When people commit to marriage they make a pact with one another to stay together no matter what. But to what extent? This is not explained until or unless something goes wrong. So, I ask. To what extent are we expected to stick with someone "for better or worse." For some this pact is binding, and can cause great turmoil. Like the spouse who watches their partner suffer and die from cancer, or suffer a mental illness, or similar "unavoidable" situations. Imagine the spouse who is being abused, they made a pact to stick with this person through their worse. But is that what they meant? It shouldn't be. And there are many people who reject this pact now, saying "until we get bored with one another." Which is also not healthy. Because they never learn commitment.

This train of thought was triggered by listening to conference. I am overwhelmed by the emotions I feel. Anger, love, resentment, hope, understanding, helplessness, etc. I understand not everyone agrees with what my church teaches, but does that give them the right to slander and mock? I think not. Yet, so many people do. And not just my religion, specifically, but that slander is what affects me the most. It is all I know, all I've ever known, and what I believe to be true with all my heart. I won't hate you if you disagree. I won't try to change your mind. I won't make you feel stupid for believing something contrary to my beliefs, so why do so many people feel the need to do the opposite?

I ask this because someone very close to me decided it was all a lie. This person is full of hatred and resentment. I don't really know what triggered these feelings, but the more I cling to my beliefs the more this person makes a mockery of it and publicly slanders the good name of my church. I can't help but think this is a personal attack, because it was someone I trusted so much that has hurt me so deeply.

I am sure my relation with this person is obvious given my first paragraph, so I ask, is this the kind of "worse" that one is expected to endure as part of the pact they made at marriage? And, especially, if they feel as though the other person had given up on them at their "worse" and basically stated "suck it up. and let me know when you can handle a relationship."

It's no mystery how these kind of situations end with resentment, and hate, and distrust, among other negative emotions. Is there a way to avoid these emotions? I doubt it. So how does one counter these emotions? I've been more patient, and kind, and forgiving, and yet I still feel resentment, betrayal, and anger.

I am grateful for the things I have heard in this conference, but I can't help but feel pain. A lot of my pain is stemmed from the fact that not a mere 2 years ago I was in a "pact" with an entirely different person.

For instance the first paragraph from his last post on his blog (from 2010) states, "It was towards the end of this period of my life that I experienced epiphanies that felt like pillars of light descending upon me, imparting new understandings of things I’d been taught in my youth. These experiences culminated around the end of the year 1999, and caused me to start the next year as a new person. I quit the substances, and started reading the Book of Mormon every chance I got, and even started double dipping by attending my home Ward, followed by the services of the next closest Ward, every Sunday." And the like.

Now I see things like this being posted on face book and feel my heart being ripped right out of my chest, "The church insists that the billions it put up for this ridiculous tribute to capitalism (referring to some shopping mall in Salt Lake) did not come from tithing funds... Um, just because you have laundered your tithing through investments and deals, doesn't remove the donative nature of all funding a religion receives. I could have sworn that both the Bible and Book of Mormon have warned against the excessive pursuit of the "fine things of the world." Call me crazy, but I think this kind of thing falls on the dangerous side of excessive." Among other things like "Jesus is Satan's attorney." and "I would rather have a thoughtful atheist in office, than a Christian who uses their "faith" to attract voters and treats the invisible hand as if it were part of the trinity (or Godhead for all you Mormons)."

How can someone go from one extreme to the other in a matter of months/years? It is mind boggling to say the least, and quite painful. Remarks like the latter feel like daggers twisting in my heart. This is "worse." So is it so wrong to expect "better" ?

I feel in this situation it could have been prevented. Both parties are to blame. "What could I have done differently" Is futile because you can't change the past. So now I must face my future. How? I am frozen in time. I cannot move. Every minute is painfully slow some days and I am exhausted. Will I ever recover? Will it ever get any "better"? Is better just relative? I'm starting to wonder if in a few years this trial will seem so trivial compared to what awaits me in the future. I am frozen in fear, afraid of regression but rejecting progress.



 link for conference