Thinking in a dark

I sit her in a quiet room blocking out the rest of the world as my children sleep peacefully in the other room, my thoughts are scattered. But my online radio Pandora has a way of bringing me back into focus. I am a hopeless romantic. Always have been. I guess that's why life was extremely difficult when I thought that "happily ever after" was a complete fabrication. I am starting to gain hope that it's not. Sure, everyone has their moments of strife, but I want to believe there are still good men (and women) out there in the cold cruel world who genuinely care about the people they marry.

For me, my first mistake was letting go of myself to please someone else. I will no longer be doing that. I am reminded of all the stupid things I've done in my life, and instead of letting them weight me down, I am going to embrace them. Things like nearly running a red light and freaking my friends out, bring a smile to my face. Don't worry, I am a much better driver these days, except on foggy nights when I can't see two feet in front of me, but then I drive so slowly people are passing me.

I have this fantasy of being with someone who shares my passions (or at least encourages them more than just "that look nice.") someone who makes me laugh, someone who laughs at the silly things I do. Someone like my little boy who just can't help but hug me. I love it when I'm crouched on the floor searching through the cupboard and he just throws his little body on my back and wraps his tiny arms around me. I want someone who can be serious when they need to be (don't make jokes when I'm peeved) but isn't afraid to laugh if I do something ridiculous.

I recently read another blog where the woman said she knew many "happily" married people who were living "parallel lives." I want what she has. She and her husband "co parent" they both take turns being at home and being at work. No one carries a heavier load in either capacity. That sounds nice to me.

Good old Pandora "I can't tell you what you're feeling inside . . .something's missing, gotta look back on your life. . .what about love?" by Heart. What about love? There are more kinds of love than one can imagine. I want deep love. As deep, or deeper than what I feel for my kids. Not someone I feel obligated to be with. But someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

I don't feel so lonely anymore. I have realized I have a lot of people who love me. The love I get from my friends almost makes up for the love I'm lacking in my life. Almost. I was reminded when I went to the temple a few weeks ago that it is "not right for man to be alone" and neither is it right for woman to be alone. We all need someone who can help us achieve our dreams. The woman whose blog I read said that the best kind of family is the kind that grows their dreams together. I love that. I want my kids to accomplish their dreams.

"Next time I fall in love, it will be with you." I tell you, Pandora can read my thoughts. I don't have any specific vision for the future, just that I want my kids to know happiness, and I want to know happiness. And I want us to be able to bless the lives of those around us so that they can know happiness too. That is my dream. I want everyone to know happiness. I don't want anyone to suffer. But I realize that you can't please everyone, so realistically you just have to do what you can.

Let's all go out of our way this year to "try a little harder to be a little better."
Mormon Women is the blog I read. In case you were wondering.