Ever feel like this?

I love this song, and it is exactly how I feel.


On the other hand, I can't help but think of the poem that hangs in my parents' bathroom. I am now starting to understand what it means.

BROKEN   DREAMS

As children bring
their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams
to God
Because He was my Friend.
But then instead
of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around
and tried to help
With ways that 
that were my own.
At last I snatched them back
and cried,
"How can You be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."
author unknown 

So what does it mean? Something I've struggled with my whole life, and I'm sure several others have as well. I recall a quote my family always uses to describe such people, "I can do it all by myself!"

Even though I want help, I need help, I refuse to let anyone help me. I want to do it all by myself even though I know it's futile. Why? I don't know. The answer I seek is staring me right in the face and I refuse to see it. There must be another way. Mustn't there? And so here I sit in limbo. Waiting for my problems to magically go away or solve themselves.

Not sure how to help myself, but refusing help from others. And it seems that even though a lot of people want to help me, they know I have to do it myself and so they step back.

I feel kind of isolated some days. Like I've driven away those who care, and others are simply "too busy" or really just "don't care." I don't want pity. I don't really want a quick fix. But I hate sitting in limbo.

I don't know what to do. I keep praying for help but the words "you already know what you must do" come to my mind. So, what must I do? Why can't I do it? I'm not entirely sure if what I feel I must do is the best thing to do. So I am scared. So scared I can't move. I just sit frozen in thought.

Contemplating every angle. Nothing looks like a "winning solution." So here I sit. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do, even though I am not listening to those who are already telling me what I should do.

Why am I so stubborn!?

New Passions

Recently I have had this overwhelming desire to go hiking or take ballet classes. Well, today we went hiking and it was amazing. I only wish it could have lasted longer. Next time maybe we'll leave the kids at home. Anyway, the scenery was amazing and it reminded me how much I appreciate all the good things in life.

Overall, I feel I've had a pretty easy life. I suppose that's due to the fact that I am not a risk taker and I avoid confrontation. Being a "fence sitter" seems like a good position to be in to an outsider, but it leaves me always in self doubt. Questioning who I am and what I believe. I've have discovered a few unchangeable qualities about myself.

I love to dance and sing. I don't necessarily want others to see me, but I love it. When I was a kid whenever someone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always replied, "a ballerina, a singer, a teacher, or a mom." I've now decided, why can't I be all of those things? And more? I'm not really a competitive person, but I am a jealous person. I want to be the best but I'm not usually willing to fight for it. Now I am learning to fight. I don't want to change my core, but I have found areas that need improving.

For instance: I'm a whiner. Always have been, always will be. I complain a lot. But honestly, what have I ever had to complain about? Very trivial in the scheme of things. Yes, I have had a lot of illnesses, I've lost loved ones, I've been unpopular and dateless. But overall, I haven't had to deal with cancer, or murder, or any of those other horrible things people have to deal with. So I am trying to change that behavior. When my kids wake me up earlier than I wish, instead of getting angry I ask them to give me another minute or to snuggle. Instead of screaming every time they make a mess I just ask them "why? why do you have to make messes?" By changing my behavior I am changing my perspective and vise versa (I never really learned how to spell that).

I've always been loved, treated kindly (unless I mistreated them first), and generally liked. So I've decided I really need to stop complaining and look at the better things in life. My muscles hurt a little, but I look at it this way, I got exercise and got to spend some time with my friends and my kids. All in all it was a good day. I hope to do it again some day.

If you haven't read it, you should.

A few weeks ago this scripture was read in sunday school and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I think I should make it into a big poster and put it on the wall as a constant reminder. So, here goes.

 2 Nephi 4:15-35 (mostly)

15 And upon ^athese I ^bwrite the things of my soul, and many of the scriptures which are engraven upon the plates of brass. For my soul ^cdelighteth in the scriptures, and my heart ^dpondereth them, and writeth them for the ^elearning and the profit of my children.

 16 Behold, my ^asoul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my^bheart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

 17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great ^agoodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O ^bwretched man that I am! Yea, my heart ^csorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

 18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily ^abeset me.

 19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have ^atrusted.

 20 My God hath been my ^asupport; he hath led me through mine^bafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his ^alove, even unto the ^bconsuming of my flesh.

 22 He hath confounded mine ^aenemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

 23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me^aknowledge by ^bvisions in the night-time.

 24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty ^aprayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

 26 O then . . . ^cwhy should my ^dheart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I ^ayield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to ^btemptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my ^cpeace and afflict my soul? Why am I^dangry because of mine enemy?

 28 Awake, my soul! No longer ^adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the ^benemy of my soul.

 29 Do not ^aanger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

 30 Rejoice, O my ^aheart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the ^brock of my salvation.

 31 O Lord, wilt thou ^aredeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of ^bsin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my ^aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may^bwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

 33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy ^arighteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine ^benemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

 34 O Lord, I have ^atrusted in thee, and I will ^btrust in thee forever. I will not put my ^ctrust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his ^dtrust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

 35 Yea, I know that God will give ^aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ^bask ^cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the ^drock of my ^erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

The picture above is actually a photo I took on a ferry boat headed to Seattle some 4 or 5 years ago. I love it because it looks like a painting. 

Yup, that was me.

This journey of "finding myself" is starting to become kind of fun. Looking back at things I've done that really say "that is me" are starting to come back into my mind. So here you go, a fun list of silly things that make me ME.

I was blasting David Archuleta in my car. 

In 2002 I walked down the freezing streets of Salt Lake City singing "That's Amore"

I used to do a pretty good impression of Snow White (so I've been told) can't do it anymore.
I've been told I actually have a good singing voice.

I really like talking like a "cheerleader"

In my senior year of high school I volunteered to read for Eliza Doolittle when we read Pygmalion. I rocked it.

I like to brag that my mom is a clown just to see how people will react

I love hot pink

I used to have over 100 stuffed animals (when I was a teenager)

I like to jump from project to project because I tend to get bored before I finish.

My box of "unfinished" or "abandoned" projects is very large

When I was 13 I landed on my face in gym class (while trying to show off for a cute boy) and I was laughing so hard no one knew if I was crying or not.

I can't run long distances, but I used to be able to run pretty quickly for short distances

I kind of wish I could hang upside down from the monkey bars when we go to the park

I love to dance

I have an odd sense of humor, I usually laugh when others aren't and don't laugh when they are.

I'm trying not to take life too seriously, because honestly it's just downright funny sometimes.

I always wanted to be a ballerina, but I am pretty clumsy and uncoordinated (though now I kind of want to try it)

I'm a terrible liar

Sometimes I get stuck in accents and can't get out of them (the worse was when I got stuck in my Larry the Cucumber voice)

I'll admit I've had Lady Gaga or Katy Perry songs stuck in my head

I used to play my boy band music on repeat pretty much all day and night

I'm a hopeless romantic

I really like it when the "child in me" comes out, but I don't think other people appreciate it (besides the kids)

When I "played" Barbie, I spent more time accessorizing than anything else

I've been having a lot of dreams (more like nightmares) lately where I am back in high school, or middle school. I guess that's my subconscious telling me I want to go back to simpler times?

I get excited when I see my "view" count and it makes me want to write more, so thank you to all my readers out there!! I hope you don't think I'm crazy. Then again, aren't we all a little crazy?

If you can't say anything nice. . .

I believe that if everyone followed the advice of Thumper's father the world would be a much quieter place, on the other hand, not addressing issues may lead to more hostility.

I've always tried to live by this advice, which is perhaps one of the reasons I have a difficult time making my case, or explaining my emotions.

These days it seems everyone is up in arms over something, ranging from "what not to name your child" to "if you should be allowed to have children." That't not to say that these things an unimportant, but I fear oft times people get too caught up in "who's right?" and forget the bigger picture.

I believe we are all connected. There are unknown similarities to all "mankind." In the past, present, and surely the future, our differences have and may always cloud our judgement. I think all of us are prejudice in one form or another, and it all stems down to not knowing what the similarities are and only seeing the differences.

It's amazing to see how easily someone can be offended by someone who looks, acts, or believes differently than they do. I guess we all have this complex that makes us believe "everyone should be like me." Even those who proclaim EQUALITY FOR ALL are still in this mindset. Anyone who doesn't believe (for whatever reason) that what they're saying is true is being judged by them.

I personally have always been a bit of a fence dweller. Rarely venturing to one side or the other. It has become increasingly difficult to be "complacent" about things these days. Everyone wants to know "where you stand" on every issue. For me, some issues don't directly affect me so I don't really think about them too much, but the ones that do affect me scare me. It's like, what if I am on the wrong side? Is there a wrong side?  I have a hard time with the latter. Is there a wrong side? My religion has always taught that there is in fact a wrong side, but sometimes it's hard to see it. Even when others are telling you it is completely obvious, I still have a hard time taking sides.

For instance, gay rights. I don't know. It doesn't directly affect me. I know some gay people, sure, but what they do is their business. How will it affect me? I don't know. Abortion? Never had one, never needed one. I personally don't think I could do it, but in some cases maybe it is for the best. If someone is strung out on drugs or in some other way incapable being a parent then perhaps getting an abortion is actually merciful not cruel. And so on.

I've always believed one of my most prominent "spiritual gifts" is empathy. In some ways it's a blessing, in other ways it's a curse. If someone feels pain, I feel it too. So when people are arguing, I can't take sides. I can see how both people make good points. I guess that's why I've been told I'm a very agreeable person.  I go out of my way to avoid contention when I can.

Going through this last year I've learned that I have to stop being so agreeable. I have to take a stand. I hate it. I don't want to do it, but I must. I must take a stand if I am ever going to find out who I am and what I . . .well, stand for. 

My new mantra

man·tra   [man-truh, mahn-, muhn-] Show IPA noun 1. Hinduism . a word or formula, as from the Veda, chanted or sung as an incantation or prayer. 2. an often repeated word, formula, or phrase, often a truism: If I hear the “less is more” mantra one more time, I'll scream. So I just decided, right here right now. This is will be my new mantra: I would rather be single than settle. And for your listening pleasure, I've attached a great song to go with my new mantra.
My "old" mantra is still completely applicable: I can do better. (ever seen Stepford Wives?)

I hope you are having a great day!

Today has been a good day so far (though it's only noon). Grace woke up a little earlier today and we snuggled on the couch for maybe 2 hours before David got up. We are planning on going to the library later. I went to bed feeling pretty good last night, and the kids didn't put up too much of a fight before bed. It is so cute that they like to sleep in the same bed now. David loves his new bed, and apparently so does Grace :)

Things you probably don't know about me (and may not want to)

DISCLAIMER: I am not writing this for pity, I am simply writing this for understanding. Feel free to laugh.

1. I have a lot of fears: rejection, failure, the dark, nudity, vampires, heights, pain, vampires, ware wolves, death (of others mostly), ghosts/spirits/demons, crowds, singing in public, offending others, homelessness...etc
2. I have spanked my kids, and screamed at them, and accidentally hurt them
3. I don't know how to react when I see people crying or in pain, I am socially awkward
4. I am not a risk taker, I would rather remain in a miserable situation than risk change
5. I love my kids, but sometimes wish I could run away
6. I have an eating disorder, and a very negative self image, very overly critical of myself
7. I have intimacy and trust issues
8. I can be obsessive over people, things or ideas
9.  there are things about myself I wish I could change
10. I think I'm annoying, that's why I don't go out of my way to talk to people
11. I am a very jealous person
12. I'm really not as patient, kind, intelligent as people think I am
13. I have a lisp when I am really tired, and sometimes talk like a "hick"
14. I am not always politically correct
15. I'm not racist, but I am culturally ignorant
16. I have "gross" nervous habits (I've been told) like scratching my head
17. I don't swear, but sometimes I want to
18. I am very judgmental, I don't mean to be and am trying to change that
19. I have to shower everyday, but I don't always brush my teeth. I always feel like I have to wash my hands after I go shopping
20. I do not have sex dreams, and am usually trying to cover anyone who is naked. I usually dream I'm in school or shopping.
21. I used to think I was a tom boy, but have since embraced my girly-girl side
22. I love costumes, but I don't like dressing up
23. I don't take medications unless I feel I really need them
24. I don't really like candy, but I love chocolate, but I avoid it because it makes my face break out
25. I like being weird, and I celebrate the fact my mom is a clown
26. I have stinky feet. I like shoes, but I hate wearing them :)

Hi, I am me. And I have an eating disorder

So to a lot of you this is probably not a surprise. But I strongly feel it's time I come clean. I have had a problem my whole life. My grandmother has an eating disorder (but is in denial about it), and I'm sure my mom and sisters probably do too. Why? I don't know. But I want it to go away. How? I have no idea.

One thing my therapist had me doing was to "check in" with someone every day (at least once) and tell them what I'd eaten. Even then I didn't always eat as I should, but it helped.

Certain people in my life have criticized me asking me things like, "how do you forget to eat?" and "what do you mean you don't like food?" How do you answer these questions? "I just forget." or "food just doesn't taste as good as it used to."

When I was a teenager I would rationalize,"I eat, therefore I do not have an eating disorder." Not true. Just because I don't have "anorexia" does not mean I am ok. I generally eat once or twice a day. I rarely drink anything. Some days I "snack" but it's usually one "bad" food.

Is it a symptom of depression, or is depression a symptom of the ED? Or is it something deeper? Since the time I was 6 I thought I was fat, I refused to wear a bikini . . . AT 6! In elementary school I had bladder/kidney infections quite frequently, and yet the more I was told to "DRINK!" the less I would.

Another thing that doesn't help is "you're too picky." Who cares? Seriously, you should just be happy I am eating something!!

I fear if I don't resolve this soon, history will only repeat itself. And in my daughter's case, it will be much worse.

So, why? Even though I've lost 60lbs in 2 years do I feel fat? Why do I think I'm ugly, worthless, stupid, etc? I don't know. "Positive thinking" will only go so far. What I need is a good dose of "positive reinforcement" but not from my (girl)friends, or family. I want that fairy tale love. I want someone to looks at me and think I am the most beautiful person in the world, and make me believe it.

I've come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. This is the first step.

I do think I am attractive at times, I try to tell myself I am thin and that I don't need to lose any more weight.
But I still don't fully believe it yet. Maybe one day I will. But instead of waiting for it like I did before it got so bad, I will do something about it. And I will stop relying on other people to make me happy. Somehow.

The past 6 months in song