New Passions

Recently I have had this overwhelming desire to go hiking or take ballet classes. Well, today we went hiking and it was amazing. I only wish it could have lasted longer. Next time maybe we'll leave the kids at home. Anyway, the scenery was amazing and it reminded me how much I appreciate all the good things in life.

Overall, I feel I've had a pretty easy life. I suppose that's due to the fact that I am not a risk taker and I avoid confrontation. Being a "fence sitter" seems like a good position to be in to an outsider, but it leaves me always in self doubt. Questioning who I am and what I believe. I've have discovered a few unchangeable qualities about myself.

I love to dance and sing. I don't necessarily want others to see me, but I love it. When I was a kid whenever someone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always replied, "a ballerina, a singer, a teacher, or a mom." I've now decided, why can't I be all of those things? And more? I'm not really a competitive person, but I am a jealous person. I want to be the best but I'm not usually willing to fight for it. Now I am learning to fight. I don't want to change my core, but I have found areas that need improving.

For instance: I'm a whiner. Always have been, always will be. I complain a lot. But honestly, what have I ever had to complain about? Very trivial in the scheme of things. Yes, I have had a lot of illnesses, I've lost loved ones, I've been unpopular and dateless. But overall, I haven't had to deal with cancer, or murder, or any of those other horrible things people have to deal with. So I am trying to change that behavior. When my kids wake me up earlier than I wish, instead of getting angry I ask them to give me another minute or to snuggle. Instead of screaming every time they make a mess I just ask them "why? why do you have to make messes?" By changing my behavior I am changing my perspective and vise versa (I never really learned how to spell that).

I've always been loved, treated kindly (unless I mistreated them first), and generally liked. So I've decided I really need to stop complaining and look at the better things in life. My muscles hurt a little, but I look at it this way, I got exercise and got to spend some time with my friends and my kids. All in all it was a good day. I hope to do it again some day.