Stop worrying about the 'Jones"

Recently it's become quite shocking (and annoying) to see how people are always worrying about what everyone else is doing. And the gossip is really starting to bother me. My family has a saying, that I'm sure many of you have heard before, "they are trying to keep up with the Jones'"

So I ask you, when and why did this phenomenon start? There's a lot of speculation on the matter. No one can say for sure when something started, but I think I have a pretty good guess as to why. People (or maybe it's just me) have this irrational fear that no one likes them, they are constantly being judged, and that by having more stuff or acting a certain way will some how win their respect.

Some people would say this anomaly is exclusive to Mormon culture, I can neither confirm or deny this notion, but it is very strong in said culture. I think it all comes down to perfectionism. We perceive what we believe to be the "perfect family" and try to copy it so that we too can have a perfect family.

The reason is theory doesn't work is that everyone is different, and everyone's idea of perfect is different. There is also the "closed door" factor. They may seem perfect to the outside world (which is likely their intention) but things are seldom as they seem. I myself have encountered many "shock" moments when I hear of a divorce or something else that was supposed to be "swept under the rug" but some how made it out into the light.

So here is what I propose. Why don't we all stop trying to be each other, stop trying to please each other, and just accept ourselves and everyone else for who they really are. I think we will be pleasantly surprised to find that we will have more friends, and be more liked for being who we are instead of trying to pretend we are someone we're not. And as much as I love the Jones', I am glad I have my own little family.

More than an itch (rant alert)

Recently a good friend of mine has been trying to comfort me by saying, "you are probably just experiencing the '7 year itch' that all couples go through." Well, people have been telling me that for 2 years (saying it was the 5 year or 6 year).

Let me first explain to you what I believe to be the "definition" of "7 year itch." This happens when the members of a couple grow and change. When they no longer need the same things they needed before. And as a result, things can get a little dull. Your husband/wife assumes you want a certain thing, so they continue to do it. This is why communication is crucial in a relationship.

For me personally, I think we are way past that stage. For one big reason, I don't know that I've ever really gotten what I expected from this relationship, nor have I given all that was expected. Therefore, I would advise anyone planning on getting married soon, or recently married, to make a list of things you expect out of the relationship(what you expect from him, and expect to do in return) and compare. And for "kicks and giggles" why not do this annually, or more frequently. Always, always, always keep the lines of communication open. I've learned that once that communication is gone, it's hard to recover. Of course, it was probably never really there to begin with in my case.

I may be out of line, but I believe (in the last year at least) I have given it my best shot. I've tried to do things that I thought were expected: dinner every night, clean house, and the usual "wifely duties". Nothing seemed to change except for my feelings of resentment and expectations of "do more." Now, I don't mean to point the finger, I am sure I could have tried harder, but when I suggested ways for my partner to remedy these feelings (counseling, more housework, less outings with friends, etc)they were often discounted or halfheartedly put into action for a very short period of time.

I know, I know, I tend to exaggerate, and over analyze, and even judge, but from my point of view things seem very one sided. I feel like I have always done a lot of the work, and often under appreciated. And yes, "nothing is ever good enough" for me as well. So I decided to quit trying and let things fall apart naturally, since that was the direction things seemed to be going anyway.

So why am I writing this? Because now that I have made the decision to call it quits, to end this thing, I'd appreciate it if people would stop trying to talk me out of it. Yes, I know, some people get back together, some people regret getting a divorce. I don't think I would. But maybe I'm just too resentful to see the truth. You tell me. Because apparently I'm not good at discernment, at least that's how a lot of people make me feel. I know, "if you don't want my advice, don't complain to me." Unfortunately, I've learned that holding it all in isn't the most ingenious solution either.

So here I am. Writing a public journal. Because honestly, a private journal is just ranting to yourself and isn't always conducive either. People rarely comment, but I am ok with that. I don't often comment on others' blogs myself.

Thank you for putting up with my rants.

Do it for yourself

From the time I was a small child I remember always wanting to be like someone else. First it was my cousin. She had the longest most beautiful blonde hair, so naturally I wanted hair just like hers. Never had it. My hair is thin and fine, and hers was thick. As I got older my focus went to my friends. I wanted to do everything they did, and hated it when I was left out. My two best friends (neither of which do I still keep in touch with) were in dance, so I always wanted to be a dancer. I'm not very coordinated, but there is still a spark of that dream in me.

Then in junior high, all my friends were in band, orchestra, and choir. I am somewhat musically challenged. Again, no coordination. And although I do like performing, I have major stage fright, and can't act/sing in front of people. So I gave up on that dream as well, determined that I would never be "as good" as my friends. I still desire those things, but alas the self defeat keeps me from them.

Then in high school, I wanted to be "pretty" but I had the wrong kind of hair, didn't know how to do make up, had acne (still do), non-wealthy parents, and seemingly no friends at times. I wasn't bullied. I was just invisible. I realized later that I made myself invisible. But I digress. When I finally had my first "official" boyfriend (the first boy I kissed) I changed a lot about myself. He didn't make me make these changes, and I still have fond feelings towards him (but not in a romantic sense) but sometimes I wonder how things might be different. I started wearing all black, and was a lot more serious then I had been previously. Also the fact that I was 18 came with the sense that I had to "grow up." I think that is when I lost whatever it is that makes me ME.

People who knew me in high school/junior high/elementary might say I am a lot different. Or maybe they don't. I don't know, I haven't asked. But I know that I don't smile as much as I used to. I don't feel so carefree, and fun. And it took me a long time to start singing again. This boy is not to blame for this change, it was gradual.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make (before I got way off topic) was that you shouldn't do things just so other people will like you better. I've done that my whole life, and now I think it's time to stop. I feel very self conscious, especially when well-meaning people make comments about how "we shouldn't make people feel bad for wearing bright clothing to church" as I sit on the front row wearing a hot-pink t-shirt. But that's me. I want to be that fun-loving person I was 10 years ago. I'm not sure what changed, why I became so serious. But after having a small glimpse of that brought back into the open recently, I want it back. I want people to see the silly side of me. It's ok to be serious, but being "grown up" doesn't mean you don't have fun anymore (so I've been told).

So, I am going to be ME, for me. Not for anyone else. I don't want to win someone's approval or affection. I want to be acknowledged for being uniquely me. Because let's face it, how many people have you met that are like me?

As I said in my last post, "I am enough. I am awesome." and I like being weird.

Taking a stand

As you may already know, I'm a pretty passive person by nature. But it has come to my attention that that must now change. My whole life I have been a "peace maker." Which I initially thought to be a good thing, a compliment. Well, as I got older I realized that it meant I was a "pushover" someone people could easily take advantage of. I don't want to be mean, I've never wanted to be mean. So now I must learn how to stand my ground and not hurt others. 

What is the secret? I'm still trying to figure that out. As I loosen my training wheels, I find myself saying things I regret later, but still feel somewhat relieved. For instance, It drives me nuts when someone leaves water on the counter and I lean into it. There are things that bother me that I obsess about.  But I try to "brush it off" and ignore it. But eventually, it starts to fester. This is the mistake I've always made. Instead of actually dealing with my problems I try to ignore them, they fester, and then they cause me to explode in an emotional rage.

It's amazing what little things can cause an explosion. And I've decided it's ok to have mini explosions from time to time, much better than to have one huge explosion every couple of weeks. Just as long as you apologize to any innocent bystanders who may have been effected. Now for some people that seems like a bold statement, but really and truly does anyone keep their cool all the time? The trick, I'm learning, is that you control the explosions. YOU control THEM. They don't control you. "Oh it's just my/your hormones..." That is only part of the problem.

It is ok to have anger, it's how you deal with it that makes all the difference in the world. Explain it to yourself, or whoever happened to be there when you went off. "I'm not angry at you, I'm angry because I stayed up too late and didn't sleep as long as I would have liked." Then resolve to change whatever triggered the anger in the first place: solution, go to bed earlier. Still working on that one, lol.

One of my dear friends is going through a similar situation I am in, and she is always posting positive things on her social network page. Things like "Never settle for less than you deserve" and "I'm enough" and "Be who you are." These are the things that get us through the day.

I believe they have a name for these sayings: positive reinforcement. It seems tacky, and silly, and even ridiculous at times, but eventually you may actually start believing "I am enough. I do deserve more. And I am a great person." It is ok to have "meh" days when you don't believe it, just remember to pick yourself back up, don't let the negative reinforcements win.

I was once told to think of negative thoughts the same way some think of evil spirits. You must banish them from your mind. And you have to be forceful and strong. And you HAVE to believe it will work.

Choose Happiness

So for mother's day I decided to get myself this little charm (from the kids) I wear it on a chain around my neck most every day. It helps a bit, especially on those difficult days when I just want to curl up in a ball and hide under the blankets. Trying to remain positive can be difficult, but at the end of the day I feel better than I do on the days I focus on the negatives. It also helps that David gives me a hug/kiss every time he runs by. He is the sweetest little boy I've ever met. I am truly blessed. Miss Grace  is also very affectionate but prefers cuddles and tickles. It makes waking up a positive thing when you have two snuggle buddies every morning. This week I am thankful that I am a mom.

You are worth it

To all my readers, I am sorry I don't follow your blogs. I am sorry I have not been a very good friend to you, but thank you for being here for me. Even silently. It makes all the difference in the world to know my words are reaching someone instead of just silently blending into the vastness of information in this world we live in.

You are a wonderful person. You can do it. And you are loved. I want you to know that I do care about you and I hope you find everlasting happiness in your life.

If you haven't found it yet, don't lose hope. It's out there, it has to be, or this life is pointless. A life without happiness is not worth living. That being said, you cannot simply expect happiness. You must make happiness. Find joy in the little things in life. A bee buzzing by your ear threatening to sting, is a remarkable creature. A spider that you are tempted to squish, has a purpose. The leaves on the trees, the wind in the air. All are remarkable creations we have at our leisure.

If you start little by little, one day you will find yourself in a place you never imagined you could be. Don't take a single moment for granted, and if you slip up forgive yourself and move on. Do better next time, but don't be too hard on yourself, some of us are slow learners.

Have faith that things will be better, but appreciate all the blessings you already have. I've spent the last 26 years (give or take a few) thinking about how terrible life is, but not realizing just how easy I've had it. I've never been hospitalized, never broken a bone, had 2 parents at home, and 4 grandparents through my entire childhood, never been kidnapped, never been drugged, never beaten or scorned. The most mockery I ever had to deal with was because of something stupid I had done. I have only lost a few people close to me in my life. I've never felt hated or unprotected or truly unloved. I've had it easy. Sure, I had chronic UTIs as a child, my parents weren't what you'd call well-off, and I had a hard time making friends. I am anemic and have an eating disorder and have been fighting depression for 12 years now. But honestly, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. All my whining and complaining, and rarely anyone said "oh stop whining" they just gave me what I wanted. They put up with me. Until last spring. My (one surviving) grandmother and I were at each other's throats. It wasn't until she said "I hate who you've become." that I realized I needed to change.

I didn't want to be that whiny person anymore who seemed to have a low tolerance of pain, no friends, and no motivations. I want to who I really am. Who I've been all along. I am a strong willed, honest, loving, person. At least, that's who I hope I am. I can be friends with anyone. I never fit into a clique in high school. I always felt left out, but really I was the one secluding myself. I could have been the most popular person if I had just stepped out of my box and said "I don't care what you think. this is me."

So here I am. Take me or leave me. All I ask is that you be who you are and be happy. That's all I want. I don't want everyone to be like me. I love "people watching" it intrigues me to see how differently people think. I'll admit, at times I forget that not everyone thinks like I do. In fact, I have often found myself "outside of the box" wondering why no one else had thought of a situation the way I had. I can't think of any specific examples, but maybe I'm not alone in this.

Anyway, that's the end of my rant for today. I need to get to those birthday presents. My baby is turning 2!

Mind over Matter

I really like this picture (I found on the internet) because it's very unusual. What I've been thinking about a lot lately is this phrase that is likely a quote from some movie somewhere, "Change your perspective, change your life."

To expound on this idea, I would like to suggest a very simple test for you. It seems to be doing wonders for me. So I would like to share with you my "secret" to finding happiness. Consider for a moment that Heaven is not a location, but rather a state of mind.

In many churches we are taught that those who accept God in this life will go on to Heaven and be happy forever, but those who don't are destined to a life of pain and misery. Why is this? Doesn't really seem fair. The trick is not whether they accept him or not, but rather whether they believe it's true.

Imagine for a moment, if you will, that you are addicted to something (could be anything) and suddenly it's gone. Are you going to be miserable? Of course! So, if you die and have not resolved these feelings/addictions (assuming there is an afterlife) you will still have to deal with them. Matters of the "heart" are not easily resolved.

Mental and emotional turmoil require a different kind of strength than overcoming our physical limitations. Herein lies the test. What are you addictions? We all have them. One of mine was misery, and pain. I know, silly. But there it was. I was miserable and I didn't want to change because it had become so much a part of me that is was difficult to let go of.

I am now in the process of letting go. How does one accomplish this? Painfully, slowly, and patiently. Start a little at a time. Tell yourself, "that shouldn't bother me." Then don't let it bother you. For me, whining and fighting kids was a big issue. I was/am a screamer. When I get mad I yell. And I yell a lot. Sometimes I let my anger get the best of me.

I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. It's amazing. Once I stopped yelling back, the kids stopped being so irritating. When my nearly-2-year-old dumps his cereal all over the floor (every morning) I sigh and ask him "why do you do this?" in which he usually replies "cereal!"

I am still working on not getting angry at the end of the day when they just will not go to bed, but I'm doing better. Kids respond well to consistency and rules. We have a "mommy stops cuddling at 9:00" rule, and I was surprised how quickly the "no, stay cuddle!" whining went away. Still have to bribe them to stay in bed, but that's a task for another day.

I have Dana Obleman to thank for the "once a day" rule with food. It's simple, if my children have already had pudding, cereal, french fries, candy, etc then they can't have it again until tomorrow. Every once in a while I give them a treat just because they are sitting quietly and playing nicely, but their treats are very limited and they don't seem to mind too much.

No, I am not perfect! I am just finding a way to "rewire" my brain. By making and following a few rules: don't yell unless the person refuses to listen, say "yes" more, enjoy cuddles, play and just enjoy life. Don't focus on "I didn't do the laundry, the house is a mess, my kids haven't had a bath, I'm too tired..." instead remind yourself of what you did do "I changed diapers, I made sure both kids ate, I showered, I picked up a little, etc..."

And above all, you must all remember you ARE important. You DO make a difference. And you ARE loved.

Thinking in a dark

I sit her in a quiet room blocking out the rest of the world as my children sleep peacefully in the other room, my thoughts are scattered. But my online radio Pandora has a way of bringing me back into focus. I am a hopeless romantic. Always have been. I guess that's why life was extremely difficult when I thought that "happily ever after" was a complete fabrication. I am starting to gain hope that it's not. Sure, everyone has their moments of strife, but I want to believe there are still good men (and women) out there in the cold cruel world who genuinely care about the people they marry.

For me, my first mistake was letting go of myself to please someone else. I will no longer be doing that. I am reminded of all the stupid things I've done in my life, and instead of letting them weight me down, I am going to embrace them. Things like nearly running a red light and freaking my friends out, bring a smile to my face. Don't worry, I am a much better driver these days, except on foggy nights when I can't see two feet in front of me, but then I drive so slowly people are passing me.

I have this fantasy of being with someone who shares my passions (or at least encourages them more than just "that look nice.") someone who makes me laugh, someone who laughs at the silly things I do. Someone like my little boy who just can't help but hug me. I love it when I'm crouched on the floor searching through the cupboard and he just throws his little body on my back and wraps his tiny arms around me. I want someone who can be serious when they need to be (don't make jokes when I'm peeved) but isn't afraid to laugh if I do something ridiculous.

I recently read another blog where the woman said she knew many "happily" married people who were living "parallel lives." I want what she has. She and her husband "co parent" they both take turns being at home and being at work. No one carries a heavier load in either capacity. That sounds nice to me.

Good old Pandora "I can't tell you what you're feeling inside . . .something's missing, gotta look back on your life. . .what about love?" by Heart. What about love? There are more kinds of love than one can imagine. I want deep love. As deep, or deeper than what I feel for my kids. Not someone I feel obligated to be with. But someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

I don't feel so lonely anymore. I have realized I have a lot of people who love me. The love I get from my friends almost makes up for the love I'm lacking in my life. Almost. I was reminded when I went to the temple a few weeks ago that it is "not right for man to be alone" and neither is it right for woman to be alone. We all need someone who can help us achieve our dreams. The woman whose blog I read said that the best kind of family is the kind that grows their dreams together. I love that. I want my kids to accomplish their dreams.

"Next time I fall in love, it will be with you." I tell you, Pandora can read my thoughts. I don't have any specific vision for the future, just that I want my kids to know happiness, and I want to know happiness. And I want us to be able to bless the lives of those around us so that they can know happiness too. That is my dream. I want everyone to know happiness. I don't want anyone to suffer. But I realize that you can't please everyone, so realistically you just have to do what you can.

Let's all go out of our way this year to "try a little harder to be a little better."
Mormon Women is the blog I read. In case you were wondering.

For better or worse?

When people commit to marriage they make a pact with one another to stay together no matter what. But to what extent? This is not explained until or unless something goes wrong. So, I ask. To what extent are we expected to stick with someone "for better or worse." For some this pact is binding, and can cause great turmoil. Like the spouse who watches their partner suffer and die from cancer, or suffer a mental illness, or similar "unavoidable" situations. Imagine the spouse who is being abused, they made a pact to stick with this person through their worse. But is that what they meant? It shouldn't be. And there are many people who reject this pact now, saying "until we get bored with one another." Which is also not healthy. Because they never learn commitment.

This train of thought was triggered by listening to conference. I am overwhelmed by the emotions I feel. Anger, love, resentment, hope, understanding, helplessness, etc. I understand not everyone agrees with what my church teaches, but does that give them the right to slander and mock? I think not. Yet, so many people do. And not just my religion, specifically, but that slander is what affects me the most. It is all I know, all I've ever known, and what I believe to be true with all my heart. I won't hate you if you disagree. I won't try to change your mind. I won't make you feel stupid for believing something contrary to my beliefs, so why do so many people feel the need to do the opposite?

I ask this because someone very close to me decided it was all a lie. This person is full of hatred and resentment. I don't really know what triggered these feelings, but the more I cling to my beliefs the more this person makes a mockery of it and publicly slanders the good name of my church. I can't help but think this is a personal attack, because it was someone I trusted so much that has hurt me so deeply.

I am sure my relation with this person is obvious given my first paragraph, so I ask, is this the kind of "worse" that one is expected to endure as part of the pact they made at marriage? And, especially, if they feel as though the other person had given up on them at their "worse" and basically stated "suck it up. and let me know when you can handle a relationship."

It's no mystery how these kind of situations end with resentment, and hate, and distrust, among other negative emotions. Is there a way to avoid these emotions? I doubt it. So how does one counter these emotions? I've been more patient, and kind, and forgiving, and yet I still feel resentment, betrayal, and anger.

I am grateful for the things I have heard in this conference, but I can't help but feel pain. A lot of my pain is stemmed from the fact that not a mere 2 years ago I was in a "pact" with an entirely different person.

For instance the first paragraph from his last post on his blog (from 2010) states, "It was towards the end of this period of my life that I experienced epiphanies that felt like pillars of light descending upon me, imparting new understandings of things I’d been taught in my youth. These experiences culminated around the end of the year 1999, and caused me to start the next year as a new person. I quit the substances, and started reading the Book of Mormon every chance I got, and even started double dipping by attending my home Ward, followed by the services of the next closest Ward, every Sunday." And the like.

Now I see things like this being posted on face book and feel my heart being ripped right out of my chest, "The church insists that the billions it put up for this ridiculous tribute to capitalism (referring to some shopping mall in Salt Lake) did not come from tithing funds... Um, just because you have laundered your tithing through investments and deals, doesn't remove the donative nature of all funding a religion receives. I could have sworn that both the Bible and Book of Mormon have warned against the excessive pursuit of the "fine things of the world." Call me crazy, but I think this kind of thing falls on the dangerous side of excessive." Among other things like "Jesus is Satan's attorney." and "I would rather have a thoughtful atheist in office, than a Christian who uses their "faith" to attract voters and treats the invisible hand as if it were part of the trinity (or Godhead for all you Mormons)."

How can someone go from one extreme to the other in a matter of months/years? It is mind boggling to say the least, and quite painful. Remarks like the latter feel like daggers twisting in my heart. This is "worse." So is it so wrong to expect "better" ?

I feel in this situation it could have been prevented. Both parties are to blame. "What could I have done differently" Is futile because you can't change the past. So now I must face my future. How? I am frozen in time. I cannot move. Every minute is painfully slow some days and I am exhausted. Will I ever recover? Will it ever get any "better"? Is better just relative? I'm starting to wonder if in a few years this trial will seem so trivial compared to what awaits me in the future. I am frozen in fear, afraid of regression but rejecting progress.



 link for conference

Ever feel like this?

I love this song, and it is exactly how I feel.


On the other hand, I can't help but think of the poem that hangs in my parents' bathroom. I am now starting to understand what it means.

BROKEN   DREAMS

As children bring
their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams
to God
Because He was my Friend.
But then instead
of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around
and tried to help
With ways that 
that were my own.
At last I snatched them back
and cried,
"How can You be so slow?"
"My child," He said,
"What could I do?
You never did let go."
author unknown 

So what does it mean? Something I've struggled with my whole life, and I'm sure several others have as well. I recall a quote my family always uses to describe such people, "I can do it all by myself!"

Even though I want help, I need help, I refuse to let anyone help me. I want to do it all by myself even though I know it's futile. Why? I don't know. The answer I seek is staring me right in the face and I refuse to see it. There must be another way. Mustn't there? And so here I sit in limbo. Waiting for my problems to magically go away or solve themselves.

Not sure how to help myself, but refusing help from others. And it seems that even though a lot of people want to help me, they know I have to do it myself and so they step back.

I feel kind of isolated some days. Like I've driven away those who care, and others are simply "too busy" or really just "don't care." I don't want pity. I don't really want a quick fix. But I hate sitting in limbo.

I don't know what to do. I keep praying for help but the words "you already know what you must do" come to my mind. So, what must I do? Why can't I do it? I'm not entirely sure if what I feel I must do is the best thing to do. So I am scared. So scared I can't move. I just sit frozen in thought.

Contemplating every angle. Nothing looks like a "winning solution." So here I sit. Waiting for someone to tell me what to do, even though I am not listening to those who are already telling me what I should do.

Why am I so stubborn!?

New Passions

Recently I have had this overwhelming desire to go hiking or take ballet classes. Well, today we went hiking and it was amazing. I only wish it could have lasted longer. Next time maybe we'll leave the kids at home. Anyway, the scenery was amazing and it reminded me how much I appreciate all the good things in life.

Overall, I feel I've had a pretty easy life. I suppose that's due to the fact that I am not a risk taker and I avoid confrontation. Being a "fence sitter" seems like a good position to be in to an outsider, but it leaves me always in self doubt. Questioning who I am and what I believe. I've have discovered a few unchangeable qualities about myself.

I love to dance and sing. I don't necessarily want others to see me, but I love it. When I was a kid whenever someone asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always replied, "a ballerina, a singer, a teacher, or a mom." I've now decided, why can't I be all of those things? And more? I'm not really a competitive person, but I am a jealous person. I want to be the best but I'm not usually willing to fight for it. Now I am learning to fight. I don't want to change my core, but I have found areas that need improving.

For instance: I'm a whiner. Always have been, always will be. I complain a lot. But honestly, what have I ever had to complain about? Very trivial in the scheme of things. Yes, I have had a lot of illnesses, I've lost loved ones, I've been unpopular and dateless. But overall, I haven't had to deal with cancer, or murder, or any of those other horrible things people have to deal with. So I am trying to change that behavior. When my kids wake me up earlier than I wish, instead of getting angry I ask them to give me another minute or to snuggle. Instead of screaming every time they make a mess I just ask them "why? why do you have to make messes?" By changing my behavior I am changing my perspective and vise versa (I never really learned how to spell that).

I've always been loved, treated kindly (unless I mistreated them first), and generally liked. So I've decided I really need to stop complaining and look at the better things in life. My muscles hurt a little, but I look at it this way, I got exercise and got to spend some time with my friends and my kids. All in all it was a good day. I hope to do it again some day.

If you haven't read it, you should.

A few weeks ago this scripture was read in sunday school and it was exactly what I needed to hear. I think I should make it into a big poster and put it on the wall as a constant reminder. So, here goes.

 2 Nephi 4:15-35 (mostly)

15 And upon ^athese I ^bwrite the things of my soul, and many of the scriptures which are engraven upon the plates of brass. For my soul ^cdelighteth in the scriptures, and my heart ^dpondereth them, and writeth them for the ^elearning and the profit of my children.

 16 Behold, my ^asoul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my^bheart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.

 17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great ^agoodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O ^bwretched man that I am! Yea, my heart ^csorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.

 18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily ^abeset me.

 19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have ^atrusted.

 20 My God hath been my ^asupport; he hath led me through mine^bafflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.

21 He hath filled me with his ^alove, even unto the ^bconsuming of my flesh.

 22 He hath confounded mine ^aenemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.

 23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me^aknowledge by ^bvisions in the night-time.

 24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty ^aprayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.

 26 O then . . . ^cwhy should my ^dheart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?

27 And why should I ^ayield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to ^btemptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my ^cpeace and afflict my soul? Why am I^dangry because of mine enemy?

 28 Awake, my soul! No longer ^adroop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the ^benemy of my soul.

 29 Do not ^aanger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.

 30 Rejoice, O my ^aheart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the ^brock of my salvation.

 31 O Lord, wilt thou ^aredeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of ^bsin?

32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my ^aheart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may^bwalk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!

 33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy ^arighteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine ^benemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.

 34 O Lord, I have ^atrusted in thee, and I will ^btrust in thee forever. I will not put my ^ctrust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his ^dtrust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.

 35 Yea, I know that God will give ^aliberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ^bask ^cnot amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the ^drock of my ^erighteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.

The picture above is actually a photo I took on a ferry boat headed to Seattle some 4 or 5 years ago. I love it because it looks like a painting.