In light of everything that has been happening in the last few months/years (filing for divorce, my husband wearing a dress, him getting arrested at least once, etc) I think I need some "feel good
songs. I am so blessed. I am loved by more people than I realize. I don't feel like I deserve such love, but I will willingly accept it. As my fight seems to be coming to the climax I am bracing myself, but finding strength through the loving encouragement of others. Thank you.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
An Answer to my prayers
You're not alone
It's conference weekend, and you know it's full of inspirational messages and strong spiritual feelings. My answer did not come from any of the talks, instead it came from a loving sister who followed a prompting from the spirit. Don't get me wrong, the talks were all awesome and inspirational as well. But this story, my story, overwhelmed me to tears. I could not hold back. One of those stories I've only heard about and never experienced for myself. My family and friends have been a great support to me during this difficult time, and I am eternally grateful to them/you (especially my sisters). But this small act by a stranger confirmed my belief that there is a God, and he does hear and answer our prayers. Talking to her about my situation was not painful, in fact I felt empowered. And I got some clarity.
For the past two years I have gone over my situation over and over in my mind, telling everyone I knew, hoping someone could give me the answer I was seeking. Today it came together. And I hope it continues.
So here is my story.
My son, bless his heart, not quite three years old and already has a strong passion for church. All morning telling his sister to get ready so we can go to church. So we go. Excited at the prospect of starting a new tradition: watching conference at church, I hurried the kids along and eagerly waited for the prayer to finish so we could sit in the chapel (a place we haven't been able to sit for a long time, because anyone who has a toddler knows how long you stay in the meeting).
As expected, the kids were very disruptive. And eventually David said he was ready to go (before the first talk had finished). I was so frustrated, and embarrassed that I hurried out and headed to the door (David was almost outside when we got there). Just as I had given up, and was about to go home, feeling defeated, I hear a small voice behind me. "Sister! Sister!" I turn to see a small woman in a sweat shirt and bare feet running towards me, "sister, you're not leaving are you?"
I didn't know what to say, how to respond. Of course I'm leaving, what do you think? And then the miracle happened, she asked if I would let her watch my kids, so that I could go back and enjoy conference. "I've been in your shoes." She explained. We went to the nursery, after I burst in tears, not believing what was happening. It didn't take long to calm down. We talked as the kids played, and little by little I told her my story.
Her heart was broken, and she had this determination to help. Then, without hesitation, she said "bring your kids to my house. I will watch them for you." Then proceeded to tell me her name and address (both of which I forgot, but asked for later). When the meeting was nearly over, she excused herself to sit with her family. Telling me she would bring back her husband and he would set up an appointment with the bishop. She filled him in on some of the details, and then they were on their way.
It seems like such a little thing, now. But the emotions are so big, I cannot contain them. I needed to share with all of you.
The church is true. The people who follow it's teaching will be inspired to help and uplift one another through promptings of the spirit. It was no coincidence that this woman came to me in my time of need, when I was ready to give up. She was prompted, and she listened. Now I know why I am here.
When I moved into this ward, at first I thought it was a mistake. But I got the impression "you are supposed to be here." The reason: these people will help me. They are the people that will help me get to the place I need to go. The place I want to be.
She told me that I was placed in this situation for a reason. She said that maybe I was in this relationship to give my husband a second chance. To help him reach his own potential. She said, "You tried. That is all you can do. He will make his own choices. He must live with those consequences." Or something like that. "It's not your fault." I've heard and thought those words a million times "it's not your fault" but no one has ever explained it to me in such a way before. I am grateful to this kind sister for going out of her way to follow a prompting. I will never forget her kindness.
And in the words of our savior, "Go, and do thou likewise." Luke 10:37
It's conference weekend, and you know it's full of inspirational messages and strong spiritual feelings. My answer did not come from any of the talks, instead it came from a loving sister who followed a prompting from the spirit. Don't get me wrong, the talks were all awesome and inspirational as well. But this story, my story, overwhelmed me to tears. I could not hold back. One of those stories I've only heard about and never experienced for myself. My family and friends have been a great support to me during this difficult time, and I am eternally grateful to them/you (especially my sisters). But this small act by a stranger confirmed my belief that there is a God, and he does hear and answer our prayers. Talking to her about my situation was not painful, in fact I felt empowered. And I got some clarity.
For the past two years I have gone over my situation over and over in my mind, telling everyone I knew, hoping someone could give me the answer I was seeking. Today it came together. And I hope it continues.
So here is my story.
My son, bless his heart, not quite three years old and already has a strong passion for church. All morning telling his sister to get ready so we can go to church. So we go. Excited at the prospect of starting a new tradition: watching conference at church, I hurried the kids along and eagerly waited for the prayer to finish so we could sit in the chapel (a place we haven't been able to sit for a long time, because anyone who has a toddler knows how long you stay in the meeting).
As expected, the kids were very disruptive. And eventually David said he was ready to go (before the first talk had finished). I was so frustrated, and embarrassed that I hurried out and headed to the door (David was almost outside when we got there). Just as I had given up, and was about to go home, feeling defeated, I hear a small voice behind me. "Sister! Sister!" I turn to see a small woman in a sweat shirt and bare feet running towards me, "sister, you're not leaving are you?"
I didn't know what to say, how to respond. Of course I'm leaving, what do you think? And then the miracle happened, she asked if I would let her watch my kids, so that I could go back and enjoy conference. "I've been in your shoes." She explained. We went to the nursery, after I burst in tears, not believing what was happening. It didn't take long to calm down. We talked as the kids played, and little by little I told her my story.
Her heart was broken, and she had this determination to help. Then, without hesitation, she said "bring your kids to my house. I will watch them for you." Then proceeded to tell me her name and address (both of which I forgot, but asked for later). When the meeting was nearly over, she excused herself to sit with her family. Telling me she would bring back her husband and he would set up an appointment with the bishop. She filled him in on some of the details, and then they were on their way.
It seems like such a little thing, now. But the emotions are so big, I cannot contain them. I needed to share with all of you.
The church is true. The people who follow it's teaching will be inspired to help and uplift one another through promptings of the spirit. It was no coincidence that this woman came to me in my time of need, when I was ready to give up. She was prompted, and she listened. Now I know why I am here.
When I moved into this ward, at first I thought it was a mistake. But I got the impression "you are supposed to be here." The reason: these people will help me. They are the people that will help me get to the place I need to go. The place I want to be.
She told me that I was placed in this situation for a reason. She said that maybe I was in this relationship to give my husband a second chance. To help him reach his own potential. She said, "You tried. That is all you can do. He will make his own choices. He must live with those consequences." Or something like that. "It's not your fault." I've heard and thought those words a million times "it's not your fault" but no one has ever explained it to me in such a way before. I am grateful to this kind sister for going out of her way to follow a prompting. I will never forget her kindness.
And in the words of our savior, "Go, and do thou likewise." Luke 10:37
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Depression
Let me take a moment to talk to you about depression.
It is a disease.
A mental disease.
Something that, I believe, will not simply go away with the right medication.
Something, I believe, I will struggle with for the rest of my life.
There are people who don't believe it is real. That those of us who claim to have it could get rid of it if we loved ourselves more, exercised more, ate healthier, and a myriad of other "solutions" And, though, these things help, they will not "cure" a person of their depression. The cure lies within ourselves. And like I said, there may not be a "cure" it might be something you (or I) struggle with for the rest of your life.
I believe the solution starts with positive thinking, and changing the way we react and feel about things in our lives. If we stop for a second and look at the big picture, we may find something that brings us hope. A glimmer of peace, a beacon in the darkness. Whatever you call it, it's there. And it's real.
Once you find that glimmer of hope, cling to it. Don't let go of it. Then try to find more and hold on to them as well. For me, I have been truly blessed in my life. I have a good family who loves me, and wonderful children who love me no matter what. They are true examples. They are quick to forgive and offer a hug. It's no wonder church leaders are always saying we should be like little children.
So, I pose a challenge. A challenge to all my readers. If you find yourself in a rut, it's ok, but don't let it conquer you. Get up, dust yourself off and say "well, that didn't work. let's try something else." Move forward. That's all that matters. Today I will do better in one area or another than I did yesterday, and expound on that every day. Eventually, my hope is that the dark clouds will not have just parted but will be far from sight.
I love you. Thank you for being my beacon of hope.
It is a disease.
A mental disease.
Something that, I believe, will not simply go away with the right medication.
Something, I believe, I will struggle with for the rest of my life.
There are people who don't believe it is real. That those of us who claim to have it could get rid of it if we loved ourselves more, exercised more, ate healthier, and a myriad of other "solutions" And, though, these things help, they will not "cure" a person of their depression. The cure lies within ourselves. And like I said, there may not be a "cure" it might be something you (or I) struggle with for the rest of your life.
I believe the solution starts with positive thinking, and changing the way we react and feel about things in our lives. If we stop for a second and look at the big picture, we may find something that brings us hope. A glimmer of peace, a beacon in the darkness. Whatever you call it, it's there. And it's real.
Once you find that glimmer of hope, cling to it. Don't let go of it. Then try to find more and hold on to them as well. For me, I have been truly blessed in my life. I have a good family who loves me, and wonderful children who love me no matter what. They are true examples. They are quick to forgive and offer a hug. It's no wonder church leaders are always saying we should be like little children.
So, I pose a challenge. A challenge to all my readers. If you find yourself in a rut, it's ok, but don't let it conquer you. Get up, dust yourself off and say "well, that didn't work. let's try something else." Move forward. That's all that matters. Today I will do better in one area or another than I did yesterday, and expound on that every day. Eventually, my hope is that the dark clouds will not have just parted but will be far from sight.
I love you. Thank you for being my beacon of hope.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
What I love about Sunday
I feel so blessed right now. This week I have been thinking a lot about perspective, and getting a little tough love. And the theory that you are in charge of your own happiness. Still super homesick!
I talked to a girl at work the other day, who I found out is LDS, and she had so much compassion/respect for me. She kept telling me I am amazing because this is a difficult trial to have. It made me feel good, and not so isolated. I also realized that my emotions are scattered and often inappropriate. I have been this way for a while (since childhood), but it has gotten worse. I think it stems from stuffing my emotions inside and not dealing with them properly. I laugh when the kids throw tantrums, and cry when I'm happy, and just try to ignore my negative feelings altogether. I have been crying a lot lately, and it's really weird (because up until December I rarely cried). But other than feeling self conscious, I don't really mind it too much.
I talked to a girl at work the other day, who I found out is LDS, and she had so much compassion/respect for me. She kept telling me I am amazing because this is a difficult trial to have. It made me feel good, and not so isolated. I also realized that my emotions are scattered and often inappropriate. I have been this way for a while (since childhood), but it has gotten worse. I think it stems from stuffing my emotions inside and not dealing with them properly. I laugh when the kids throw tantrums, and cry when I'm happy, and just try to ignore my negative feelings altogether. I have been crying a lot lately, and it's really weird (because up until December I rarely cried). But other than feeling self conscious, I don't really mind it too much.
Today at church we talked about priesthood, which is kind of a touchy subject for me. I guess in a way I feel I got gypped. But then I thought about my dad, and it made me miss him even more.
In relief society we talked about how we shouldn't try to be perfect, and that "perfect" really means complete/whole. Perfection is something we will achieve when we are resurrected. They also talked about trials. One lady shared how she had been single for 20 years waiting for her "soul mate" and after they met they realized God was just preparing them and they hadn't been ready before that. I think that's how I want to view my next relationship (just hope I don't have to wait 20 years) and that I am not ready to the kind of husband I really want. I need to first become the woman I want to be.
Then I made a commitment to myself. When I get on the other side of this difficult trial, and am in a loving and supportive relationship, I am going to pay it forward. When there comes a time when I meet a young mother going through this same trial I want to give her the one thing I wish I had, someone to be there when I need them. I decided I would mainly just be a baby sitter, but I could take her kid(s) to and from school, make them dinner, and tell her I don't want money. She can "pay" me however she wants, but any money she would pay me should go into a savings account.
And then it hit me.
That's what mom does.
All those years, we complained about all the free baby sitting and "stray" kids that never went home. I get it now. My mom was helping out other mothers who were in difficult situations.
And realizing that the woman I want to be when I grow up is my own mother overwhelms me with emotion. During the hymn: Come follow me, around verse 3 I lost it. I couldn't hold the tears back any more.
My parents are far from perfect, but I've said it before and I will say it again, I would not trade them for anyone in the world.
I am thankful for my family. I love you all and wish we could be closer, but I feel that maybe I am needed here just a little longer. Not for Erik, but for something/someone else.
God be with you til we meet again.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Finding strength
After posting my last post, I realized that in cases like these others often feel just as helpless as the person going through it. I am thankful for all the people who genuinely care about me and have expressed their concern. Recently, though, I have been feeling very alone. Isolated, if you will. Some of it is my own doing, some of it not. I thought I had come to terms with what has happened and continues to happen in my life. The reality hit me this weekend. I am utterly alone. I feel helpless, and on the brink of giving up. But, I must carry on, and be strong, for my kids. They are wonderful blessings. I believe they could sense how sad I've been feeling and are giving me extra hugs and kisses. In my mind it still doesn't feel real. I keep thinking I'll wake up and everything will be different. This is not a dream, and ignoring it (still) won't change anything. A year ago I promised myself I wouldn't be here in this place (physical, emotional, etc) and here I remain. I don't know what is holding me back from stopping this misery. I guess, for me, when I feel alone I feel like there is no reason to care about myself because no one else seems to. I know that's not true, but sometimes it feels like it is. Especially at night, when I am all alone and the kids are ganging up on me, refusing to give me an ounce of solace. I don't have a minute to think some nights. Such is the life of a single mother, I better figure out how to change these bad sleep habits.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Cry for help
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For those of you who do not follow my "husband" on facebook or twitter, let me give you a very brief idea of what I have been dealing with over the course of our marriage. Things seemed alright at first, two crazy kids who fell in love and wanted
it all. At first we were always together. But then that changed. We gradually drifted apart. I figured, ignore it and it will go away. As you can see, it didn't go away. Perhaps I pushed him away. No one knows for sure what happened, but I wish I could undo it.
In 2011 he admitted to me that he was doing drugs and heavily into pornography. I tried to be a good wife and forgive him and wanted to make an effort to make things right between us. Problem is, things can't change if only one party is willing to compromise. So we said "enough is enough" and decided to 'take a break' from romantic endeavors. That was 18 months ago. Things have only gotten worse from there, for him.
In the past 18 months I have overcome deep depression, and only suffer from mild depression now. I am much better at controlling my emotions and understanding the world around me. I still have a lot to learn. He went from wanting to try a new religion to shunning all religions in general, greatly increased his drug use, and alcohol intake. I don't know if anything has changed for him in terms of pornography, but I don't care.
As you can see from the picture above, he has taken things to a whole new level. Family and loved ones are concerned about his mental health. People we met when we moved to Oregon in the summer of 2011 no longer recognize him and can't believe he is the same person.
He blatantly mocks and disrespects the government, and parades around like he is the smartest (most correct) person in the world and everyone should do what he thinks is right.
I am all for equal rights. But this is insanity. I cannot sit here patiently any longer. I fear that this erratic behavior will put my children at risk.
As you can see from the picture above, he has taken things to a whole new level. Family and loved ones are concerned about his mental health. People we met when we moved to Oregon in the summer of 2011 no longer recognize him and can't believe he is the same person.
He blatantly mocks and disrespects the government, and parades around like he is the smartest (most correct) person in the world and everyone should do what he thinks is right.
I am all for equal rights. But this is insanity. I cannot sit here patiently any longer. I fear that this erratic behavior will put my children at risk.
So, I am asking you for help. Prayers aren't going to cut it anymore. I feel hopeless, trapped, and isolated. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel that I am prohibited from seeing my family, and abandoned by my friends (well, not entirely they are just keeping their distance). The only person I have here in Oregon to support me, is the one person I need to get away from. I don't want to take his children from him, but I have to think of what is best for them.
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