To all my readers, I am sorry I don't follow your blogs. I am sorry I have not been a very good friend to you, but thank you for being here for me. Even silently. It makes all the difference in the world to know my words are reaching someone instead of just silently blending into the vastness of information in this world we live in.
You are a wonderful person. You can do it. And you are loved. I want you to know that I do care about you and I hope you find everlasting happiness in your life.
If you haven't found it yet, don't lose hope. It's out there, it has to be, or this life is pointless. A life without happiness is not worth living. That being said, you cannot simply expect happiness. You must make happiness. Find joy in the little things in life. A bee buzzing by your ear threatening to sting, is a remarkable creature. A spider that you are tempted to squish, has a purpose. The leaves on the trees, the wind in the air. All are remarkable creations we have at our leisure.
If you start little by little, one day you will find yourself in a place you never imagined you could be. Don't take a single moment for granted, and if you slip up forgive yourself and move on. Do better next time, but don't be too hard on yourself, some of us are slow learners.
Have faith that things will be better, but appreciate all the blessings you already have. I've spent the last 26 years (give or take a few) thinking about how terrible life is, but not realizing just how easy I've had it. I've never been hospitalized, never broken a bone, had 2 parents at home, and 4 grandparents through my entire childhood, never been kidnapped, never been drugged, never beaten or scorned. The most mockery I ever had to deal with was because of something stupid I had done. I have only lost a few people close to me in my life. I've never felt hated or unprotected or truly unloved. I've had it easy. Sure, I had chronic UTIs as a child, my parents weren't what you'd call well-off, and I had a hard time making friends. I am anemic and have an eating disorder and have been fighting depression for 12 years now. But honestly, I wouldn't trade a minute of it. All my whining and complaining, and rarely anyone said "oh stop whining" they just gave me what I wanted. They put up with me. Until last spring. My (one surviving) grandmother and I were at each other's throats. It wasn't until she said "I hate who you've become." that I realized I needed to change.
I didn't want to be that whiny person anymore who seemed to have a low tolerance of pain, no friends, and no motivations. I want to who I really am. Who I've been all along. I am a strong willed, honest, loving, person. At least, that's who I hope I am. I can be friends with anyone. I never fit into a clique in high school. I always felt left out, but really I was the one secluding myself. I could have been the most popular person if I had just stepped out of my box and said "I don't care what you think. this is me."
So here I am. Take me or leave me. All I ask is that you be who you are and be happy. That's all I want. I don't want everyone to be like me. I love "people watching" it intrigues me to see how differently people think. I'll admit, at times I forget that not everyone thinks like I do. In fact, I have often found myself "outside of the box" wondering why no one else had thought of a situation the way I had. I can't think of any specific examples, but maybe I'm not alone in this.
Anyway, that's the end of my rant for today. I need to get to those birthday presents. My baby is turning 2!
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