Hi, I am me. And I have an eating disorder

So to a lot of you this is probably not a surprise. But I strongly feel it's time I come clean. I have had a problem my whole life. My grandmother has an eating disorder (but is in denial about it), and I'm sure my mom and sisters probably do too. Why? I don't know. But I want it to go away. How? I have no idea.

One thing my therapist had me doing was to "check in" with someone every day (at least once) and tell them what I'd eaten. Even then I didn't always eat as I should, but it helped.

Certain people in my life have criticized me asking me things like, "how do you forget to eat?" and "what do you mean you don't like food?" How do you answer these questions? "I just forget." or "food just doesn't taste as good as it used to."

When I was a teenager I would rationalize,"I eat, therefore I do not have an eating disorder." Not true. Just because I don't have "anorexia" does not mean I am ok. I generally eat once or twice a day. I rarely drink anything. Some days I "snack" but it's usually one "bad" food.

Is it a symptom of depression, or is depression a symptom of the ED? Or is it something deeper? Since the time I was 6 I thought I was fat, I refused to wear a bikini . . . AT 6! In elementary school I had bladder/kidney infections quite frequently, and yet the more I was told to "DRINK!" the less I would.

Another thing that doesn't help is "you're too picky." Who cares? Seriously, you should just be happy I am eating something!!

I fear if I don't resolve this soon, history will only repeat itself. And in my daughter's case, it will be much worse.

So, why? Even though I've lost 60lbs in 2 years do I feel fat? Why do I think I'm ugly, worthless, stupid, etc? I don't know. "Positive thinking" will only go so far. What I need is a good dose of "positive reinforcement" but not from my (girl)friends, or family. I want that fairy tale love. I want someone to looks at me and think I am the most beautiful person in the world, and make me believe it.

I've come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. This is the first step.

I do think I am attractive at times, I try to tell myself I am thin and that I don't need to lose any more weight.
But I still don't fully believe it yet. Maybe one day I will. But instead of waiting for it like I did before it got so bad, I will do something about it. And I will stop relying on other people to make me happy. Somehow.