What I love about Sunday

I feel so blessed right now. This week I have been thinking a lot about perspective, and getting a little tough love. And the theory that you are in charge of your own happiness. Still super homesick! 

I talked to a girl at work the other day, who I found out is LDS, and she had so much compassion/respect for me. She kept telling me I am amazing because this is a difficult trial to have. It made me feel good, and not so isolated. I also realized that my emotions are scattered and often inappropriate. I have been this way for a while (since childhood), but it has gotten worse. I think it stems from stuffing my emotions inside and not dealing with them properly. I laugh when the kids throw tantrums, and cry when I'm happy, and just try to ignore my negative feelings altogether. I have been crying a lot lately, and it's really weird (because up until December I rarely cried). But other than feeling self conscious, I don't really mind it too much. 

Today at church we talked about priesthood, which is kind of a touchy subject for me. I guess in a way I feel I got gypped. But then I thought about my dad, and it made me miss him even more.

In relief society we talked about how we shouldn't try to be perfect, and that "perfect" really means complete/whole. Perfection is something we will achieve when we are resurrected. They also talked about trials. One lady shared how she had been single for 20 years waiting for her "soul mate" and after they met they realized God was just preparing them and they hadn't been ready before that. I think that's how I want to view my next relationship (just hope I don't have to wait 20 years) and that I am not ready to the kind of husband I really want. I need to first become the woman I want to be. 

Then I made a commitment to myself. When I get on the other side of this difficult trial, and am in a loving and supportive relationship, I am going to pay it forward. When there comes a time when I meet a young mother going through this same trial I want to give her the one thing I wish I had, someone to be there when I need them. I decided I would mainly just be a baby sitter, but I could take her kid(s) to and from school, make them dinner, and tell her I don't want money. She can "pay" me however she wants, but any money she would pay me should go into a savings account. 

And then it hit me.

That's what mom does. 

All those years, we complained about all the free baby sitting and "stray" kids that never went home. I get it now. My mom was helping out other mothers who were in difficult situations. 

And realizing that the woman I want to be when I grow up is my own mother overwhelms me with emotion. During the hymn: Come follow me, around verse 3 I lost it. I couldn't hold the tears back any more. 

My parents are far from perfect, but I've said it before and I will say it again, I would not trade them for anyone in the world.

I am thankful for my family. I love you all and wish we could be closer, but I feel that maybe I am needed here just a little longer. Not for Erik, but for something/someone else. 

God be with you til we meet again. 

Finding strength

After posting my last post, I realized that in cases like these others often feel just as helpless as the person going through it. I am thankful for all the people who genuinely care about me and have expressed their concern. Recently, though, I have been feeling very alone. Isolated, if you will. Some of it is my own doing, some of it not. I thought I had come to terms with what has happened and continues to happen in my life. The reality hit me this weekend. I am utterly alone. I feel helpless, and on the brink of giving up. But, I must carry on, and be strong, for my kids. They are wonderful blessings. I believe they could sense how sad I've been feeling and are giving me extra hugs and kisses. In my mind it still doesn't feel real. I keep thinking I'll wake up and everything will be different. This is not a dream, and ignoring it (still) won't change anything. A year ago I promised myself I wouldn't be here in this place (physical, emotional, etc) and here I remain. I don't know what is holding me back from stopping this misery. I guess, for me, when I feel alone I feel like there is no reason to care about myself because no one else seems to. I know that's not true, but sometimes it feels like it is. Especially at night, when I am all alone and the kids are ganging up on me, refusing to give me an ounce of solace. I don't have a minute to think some nights. Such is the life of a single mother, I better figure out how to change these bad sleep habits.

Cry for help

For those of you who do not follow my "husband" on facebook or twitter, let me give you a very brief idea of what I have been dealing with over the course of our marriage. Things seemed alright at first, two crazy kids who fell in love and wanted
it all. At first we were always together. But then that changed. We gradually drifted apart. I figured, ignore it and it will go away. As you can see, it didn't go away. Perhaps I pushed him away. No one knows for sure what happened, but I wish I could undo it.

In 2011 he admitted to me that he was doing drugs and heavily into pornography. I tried to be a good wife and forgive him and wanted to make an effort to make things right between us. Problem is, things can't change if only one party is willing to compromise. So we said "enough is enough" and decided to 'take a break' from romantic endeavors. That was 18 months ago. Things have only gotten worse from there, for him.

In the past 18 months I have overcome deep depression, and only suffer from mild depression now. I am much better at controlling my emotions and understanding the world around me. I still have a lot to learn. He went from wanting to try a new religion to shunning all religions in general, greatly increased his drug use, and alcohol intake. I don't know if anything has changed for him in terms of pornography, but I don't care.

As you can see from the picture above, he has taken things to a whole new level. Family and loved ones are concerned about his mental health. People we met when we moved to Oregon in the summer of 2011 no longer recognize him and can't believe he is the same person.

He blatantly mocks and disrespects the government, and parades around like he is the smartest (most correct) person in the world and everyone should do what he thinks is right.

I am all for equal rights. But this is insanity. I cannot sit here patiently any longer. I fear that this erratic behavior will put my children at risk.

So, I am asking you for help. Prayers aren't going to cut it anymore. I feel hopeless, trapped, and isolated. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel that I am prohibited from seeing my family, and abandoned by my friends (well, not entirely they are just keeping their distance). The only person I have here in Oregon to support me, is the one person I need to get away from. I don't want to take his children from him, but I have to think of what is best for them.

Stop worrying about the 'Jones"

Recently it's become quite shocking (and annoying) to see how people are always worrying about what everyone else is doing. And the gossip is really starting to bother me. My family has a saying, that I'm sure many of you have heard before, "they are trying to keep up with the Jones'"

So I ask you, when and why did this phenomenon start? There's a lot of speculation on the matter. No one can say for sure when something started, but I think I have a pretty good guess as to why. People (or maybe it's just me) have this irrational fear that no one likes them, they are constantly being judged, and that by having more stuff or acting a certain way will some how win their respect.

Some people would say this anomaly is exclusive to Mormon culture, I can neither confirm or deny this notion, but it is very strong in said culture. I think it all comes down to perfectionism. We perceive what we believe to be the "perfect family" and try to copy it so that we too can have a perfect family.

The reason is theory doesn't work is that everyone is different, and everyone's idea of perfect is different. There is also the "closed door" factor. They may seem perfect to the outside world (which is likely their intention) but things are seldom as they seem. I myself have encountered many "shock" moments when I hear of a divorce or something else that was supposed to be "swept under the rug" but some how made it out into the light.

So here is what I propose. Why don't we all stop trying to be each other, stop trying to please each other, and just accept ourselves and everyone else for who they really are. I think we will be pleasantly surprised to find that we will have more friends, and be more liked for being who we are instead of trying to pretend we are someone we're not. And as much as I love the Jones', I am glad I have my own little family.