I don't feel like a nice person today

WARNING: there are things that people may find offensive. that is not my intention. I am just trying to reach out and let you know how I feel.

So yesterday I was feeling very bummed. I don't know why, but I was. And when I got thinking about how lucky I am, and how I have nothing to complain about, I just felt worse. I got thinking about it though, and I think that the theory "we chose our trials in heaven" may have some truth to it.

Let me make an analogy for you to better understand what I mean. Let's say that there was a certain weight in trials everyone needed in order to fulfill their purpose in life. Some chose a few big trials where others chose a bunch of little trials (like myself). It's like the old riddle, "you have a ton of bricks and a ton of feathers, which weighs more?" They weigh the same, but there are a lot more feathers than bricks.

I think my life has represented the feather side of the riddle. Sure, I've had my trials, but when compared to someone else my life has been . . .well, feathers. I've got a friend who seems to be carrying a lot of bricks on her back and I ache for her, but I know that she can handle them (though at the time none of us feel like we can handle it). I look at her with respect, because I know I couldn't handle such big trials as well as she does.

Honestly, the worse thing that's ever happened to me is the loss of my grandpas. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, I am grateful. But I can't help but wonder if I am being too judgmental sometimes. You see, I look at these people with their pile of bricks and I say to myself, "what are you complaining about? my pile of feathers is so much bigger than your pile of bricks."

I came to this realization this morning when I had a dream that very blatantly showed me what a cruel and selfish person I am being. I won't bore you with all the details, but I will tell you what it was that hit me "like a ton of bricks."

First I will give you a little back ground. Recently, I seem to be surrounded by women who are having a hard time starting their family. I feel for them, but I don't know what to do or say, and I feel that I can't say anything because as far as I know I can get pregnant very easily. It wasn't until one of them sent me a link that said exactly how she was feeling that I realized what they are going through. It simply said this, "not being able to conceive is like having a loved one die every month." I never thought about it like that. I am glad she opened my eyes.

So anyway, in this dream a complete stranger came to me desperately seeking my help. Basically she was going to force me to be a surrogate mother for her. She was willing to do anything, which was obvious because she had broken into the house and intended on kidnapping me to get a baby. In this dream I was so cruel to her, I said some things that were so horrible I don't remember them. When I woke up I realized that I am being insensitive in real life, to women I am very close to. I feel horrible about it.

I have no idea what any of them are going through, and hope I never have to experience that pain.

So, to all of you out there that are having a hard time conceiving or have lost a baby I am so sorry that I have been so insensitive to you! In my heart I know you will be a great mom, and I sincerely pray that day comes for you very soon. I love you all and I want you to feel the joy that I feel every day when I am hugging my little "Squishy." It really is the best feeling in the world, and everyone who seeks after it truly deserves it.