The war is still raging strong, even one year later. Things escalated dramatically, and caused me a lot of anxiety. They have calmed for a little bit. Needless to say, I still brace myself for the storm that is coming.
In September, before I left Oregon without much warning, my ex filed a bunch of papers in hopes of forcing me to stay in Oregon and to prevail over me in the terms of the divorce. He succeeded with the latter, but I am still living in Utah. He cannot force me to move back. After 8 grueling months of lawyers and a visit to the Oregon courtroom (twice) the divorce was finally settled, again. Shortly thereafter he filed an appeal. It has yet to be determined whether or not this appeal will be thrown out or heard.
In the meantime, I have been diligently working to improve myself. I have been seeking professional help, and engaging in positive thinking. I've seen a huge improvement in my mood, and self confidence. I feel I still have a ways to go, but I find myself singing more and even smiling on occasion.
While embarking on this journey to reconnect with my former self, I realized a sad truth. Not only have I lost sight of who I am (or used to be) but I've distanced myself from friends and family, and in the process forgotten how to have fun.
My new challenge, for myself, is to learn how to have fun again. It has been a very difficult process. Nothing excites me anymore. Well, almost nothing. I've recently reconnected with an old friend. We're still in the "are we even friends" and "do you like me" stage right now. I believe the reason I decided to reconnect with this guy is because the one thing I remembered about him from our youth, is the way he laughs.
I guess part of me is hoping he can bring the fun back into my life. I am skeptical, but hopeful at the same time. He has a lot going on, and I have A LOT going on, so I'm trying to just take things slowly. My issue is that I am starting to develop a crush on this guy. I don't know if it's the nostalgia of the whole situation, or what, but I find myself daydreaming of "what could be" just like I did as a teen. I am trying to fight it, but I can't help but fall head over heels for this guy.
The problem, as I mentioned before, is that I don't know how he sees me. And I almost feel like it would be unfair to him to tell him how I feel. No one should be submitted to the drama that is my life. Despite my hesitation, I keep sending him little texts just to let him know I am still here. Things like "how is your day?" I worry that I may become a pest, but hope that he really appreciates the gesture.
I guess only time will tell. Heaven knows I'm not ready for another serious relationship, but it would sure be nice to have someone put his arms around me and kiss me on occasion.
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