Finding strength

After posting my last post, I realized that in cases like these others often feel just as helpless as the person going through it. I am thankful for all the people who genuinely care about me and have expressed their concern. Recently, though, I have been feeling very alone. Isolated, if you will. Some of it is my own doing, some of it not. I thought I had come to terms with what has happened and continues to happen in my life. The reality hit me this weekend. I am utterly alone. I feel helpless, and on the brink of giving up. But, I must carry on, and be strong, for my kids. They are wonderful blessings. I believe they could sense how sad I've been feeling and are giving me extra hugs and kisses. In my mind it still doesn't feel real. I keep thinking I'll wake up and everything will be different. This is not a dream, and ignoring it (still) won't change anything. A year ago I promised myself I wouldn't be here in this place (physical, emotional, etc) and here I remain. I don't know what is holding me back from stopping this misery. I guess, for me, when I feel alone I feel like there is no reason to care about myself because no one else seems to. I know that's not true, but sometimes it feels like it is. Especially at night, when I am all alone and the kids are ganging up on me, refusing to give me an ounce of solace. I don't have a minute to think some nights. Such is the life of a single mother, I better figure out how to change these bad sleep habits.

Cry for help

For those of you who do not follow my "husband" on facebook or twitter, let me give you a very brief idea of what I have been dealing with over the course of our marriage. Things seemed alright at first, two crazy kids who fell in love and wanted
it all. At first we were always together. But then that changed. We gradually drifted apart. I figured, ignore it and it will go away. As you can see, it didn't go away. Perhaps I pushed him away. No one knows for sure what happened, but I wish I could undo it.

In 2011 he admitted to me that he was doing drugs and heavily into pornography. I tried to be a good wife and forgive him and wanted to make an effort to make things right between us. Problem is, things can't change if only one party is willing to compromise. So we said "enough is enough" and decided to 'take a break' from romantic endeavors. That was 18 months ago. Things have only gotten worse from there, for him.

In the past 18 months I have overcome deep depression, and only suffer from mild depression now. I am much better at controlling my emotions and understanding the world around me. I still have a lot to learn. He went from wanting to try a new religion to shunning all religions in general, greatly increased his drug use, and alcohol intake. I don't know if anything has changed for him in terms of pornography, but I don't care.

As you can see from the picture above, he has taken things to a whole new level. Family and loved ones are concerned about his mental health. People we met when we moved to Oregon in the summer of 2011 no longer recognize him and can't believe he is the same person.

He blatantly mocks and disrespects the government, and parades around like he is the smartest (most correct) person in the world and everyone should do what he thinks is right.

I am all for equal rights. But this is insanity. I cannot sit here patiently any longer. I fear that this erratic behavior will put my children at risk.

So, I am asking you for help. Prayers aren't going to cut it anymore. I feel hopeless, trapped, and isolated. I don't know what to do or where to turn. I feel that I am prohibited from seeing my family, and abandoned by my friends (well, not entirely they are just keeping their distance). The only person I have here in Oregon to support me, is the one person I need to get away from. I don't want to take his children from him, but I have to think of what is best for them.

Stop worrying about the 'Jones"

Recently it's become quite shocking (and annoying) to see how people are always worrying about what everyone else is doing. And the gossip is really starting to bother me. My family has a saying, that I'm sure many of you have heard before, "they are trying to keep up with the Jones'"

So I ask you, when and why did this phenomenon start? There's a lot of speculation on the matter. No one can say for sure when something started, but I think I have a pretty good guess as to why. People (or maybe it's just me) have this irrational fear that no one likes them, they are constantly being judged, and that by having more stuff or acting a certain way will some how win their respect.

Some people would say this anomaly is exclusive to Mormon culture, I can neither confirm or deny this notion, but it is very strong in said culture. I think it all comes down to perfectionism. We perceive what we believe to be the "perfect family" and try to copy it so that we too can have a perfect family.

The reason is theory doesn't work is that everyone is different, and everyone's idea of perfect is different. There is also the "closed door" factor. They may seem perfect to the outside world (which is likely their intention) but things are seldom as they seem. I myself have encountered many "shock" moments when I hear of a divorce or something else that was supposed to be "swept under the rug" but some how made it out into the light.

So here is what I propose. Why don't we all stop trying to be each other, stop trying to please each other, and just accept ourselves and everyone else for who they really are. I think we will be pleasantly surprised to find that we will have more friends, and be more liked for being who we are instead of trying to pretend we are someone we're not. And as much as I love the Jones', I am glad I have my own little family.

More than an itch (rant alert)

Recently a good friend of mine has been trying to comfort me by saying, "you are probably just experiencing the '7 year itch' that all couples go through." Well, people have been telling me that for 2 years (saying it was the 5 year or 6 year).

Let me first explain to you what I believe to be the "definition" of "7 year itch." This happens when the members of a couple grow and change. When they no longer need the same things they needed before. And as a result, things can get a little dull. Your husband/wife assumes you want a certain thing, so they continue to do it. This is why communication is crucial in a relationship.

For me personally, I think we are way past that stage. For one big reason, I don't know that I've ever really gotten what I expected from this relationship, nor have I given all that was expected. Therefore, I would advise anyone planning on getting married soon, or recently married, to make a list of things you expect out of the relationship(what you expect from him, and expect to do in return) and compare. And for "kicks and giggles" why not do this annually, or more frequently. Always, always, always keep the lines of communication open. I've learned that once that communication is gone, it's hard to recover. Of course, it was probably never really there to begin with in my case.

I may be out of line, but I believe (in the last year at least) I have given it my best shot. I've tried to do things that I thought were expected: dinner every night, clean house, and the usual "wifely duties". Nothing seemed to change except for my feelings of resentment and expectations of "do more." Now, I don't mean to point the finger, I am sure I could have tried harder, but when I suggested ways for my partner to remedy these feelings (counseling, more housework, less outings with friends, etc)they were often discounted or halfheartedly put into action for a very short period of time.

I know, I know, I tend to exaggerate, and over analyze, and even judge, but from my point of view things seem very one sided. I feel like I have always done a lot of the work, and often under appreciated. And yes, "nothing is ever good enough" for me as well. So I decided to quit trying and let things fall apart naturally, since that was the direction things seemed to be going anyway.

So why am I writing this? Because now that I have made the decision to call it quits, to end this thing, I'd appreciate it if people would stop trying to talk me out of it. Yes, I know, some people get back together, some people regret getting a divorce. I don't think I would. But maybe I'm just too resentful to see the truth. You tell me. Because apparently I'm not good at discernment, at least that's how a lot of people make me feel. I know, "if you don't want my advice, don't complain to me." Unfortunately, I've learned that holding it all in isn't the most ingenious solution either.

So here I am. Writing a public journal. Because honestly, a private journal is just ranting to yourself and isn't always conducive either. People rarely comment, but I am ok with that. I don't often comment on others' blogs myself.

Thank you for putting up with my rants.