My new mantra

man·tra   [man-truh, mahn-, muhn-] Show IPA noun 1. Hinduism . a word or formula, as from the Veda, chanted or sung as an incantation or prayer. 2. an often repeated word, formula, or phrase, often a truism: If I hear the “less is more” mantra one more time, I'll scream. So I just decided, right here right now. This is will be my new mantra: I would rather be single than settle. And for your listening pleasure, I've attached a great song to go with my new mantra.
My "old" mantra is still completely applicable: I can do better. (ever seen Stepford Wives?)

I hope you are having a great day!

Today has been a good day so far (though it's only noon). Grace woke up a little earlier today and we snuggled on the couch for maybe 2 hours before David got up. We are planning on going to the library later. I went to bed feeling pretty good last night, and the kids didn't put up too much of a fight before bed. It is so cute that they like to sleep in the same bed now. David loves his new bed, and apparently so does Grace :)

Things you probably don't know about me (and may not want to)

DISCLAIMER: I am not writing this for pity, I am simply writing this for understanding. Feel free to laugh.

1. I have a lot of fears: rejection, failure, the dark, nudity, vampires, heights, pain, vampires, ware wolves, death (of others mostly), ghosts/spirits/demons, crowds, singing in public, offending others, homelessness...etc
2. I have spanked my kids, and screamed at them, and accidentally hurt them
3. I don't know how to react when I see people crying or in pain, I am socially awkward
4. I am not a risk taker, I would rather remain in a miserable situation than risk change
5. I love my kids, but sometimes wish I could run away
6. I have an eating disorder, and a very negative self image, very overly critical of myself
7. I have intimacy and trust issues
8. I can be obsessive over people, things or ideas
9.  there are things about myself I wish I could change
10. I think I'm annoying, that's why I don't go out of my way to talk to people
11. I am a very jealous person
12. I'm really not as patient, kind, intelligent as people think I am
13. I have a lisp when I am really tired, and sometimes talk like a "hick"
14. I am not always politically correct
15. I'm not racist, but I am culturally ignorant
16. I have "gross" nervous habits (I've been told) like scratching my head
17. I don't swear, but sometimes I want to
18. I am very judgmental, I don't mean to be and am trying to change that
19. I have to shower everyday, but I don't always brush my teeth. I always feel like I have to wash my hands after I go shopping
20. I do not have sex dreams, and am usually trying to cover anyone who is naked. I usually dream I'm in school or shopping.
21. I used to think I was a tom boy, but have since embraced my girly-girl side
22. I love costumes, but I don't like dressing up
23. I don't take medications unless I feel I really need them
24. I don't really like candy, but I love chocolate, but I avoid it because it makes my face break out
25. I like being weird, and I celebrate the fact my mom is a clown
26. I have stinky feet. I like shoes, but I hate wearing them :)

Hi, I am me. And I have an eating disorder

So to a lot of you this is probably not a surprise. But I strongly feel it's time I come clean. I have had a problem my whole life. My grandmother has an eating disorder (but is in denial about it), and I'm sure my mom and sisters probably do too. Why? I don't know. But I want it to go away. How? I have no idea.

One thing my therapist had me doing was to "check in" with someone every day (at least once) and tell them what I'd eaten. Even then I didn't always eat as I should, but it helped.

Certain people in my life have criticized me asking me things like, "how do you forget to eat?" and "what do you mean you don't like food?" How do you answer these questions? "I just forget." or "food just doesn't taste as good as it used to."

When I was a teenager I would rationalize,"I eat, therefore I do not have an eating disorder." Not true. Just because I don't have "anorexia" does not mean I am ok. I generally eat once or twice a day. I rarely drink anything. Some days I "snack" but it's usually one "bad" food.

Is it a symptom of depression, or is depression a symptom of the ED? Or is it something deeper? Since the time I was 6 I thought I was fat, I refused to wear a bikini . . . AT 6! In elementary school I had bladder/kidney infections quite frequently, and yet the more I was told to "DRINK!" the less I would.

Another thing that doesn't help is "you're too picky." Who cares? Seriously, you should just be happy I am eating something!!

I fear if I don't resolve this soon, history will only repeat itself. And in my daughter's case, it will be much worse.

So, why? Even though I've lost 60lbs in 2 years do I feel fat? Why do I think I'm ugly, worthless, stupid, etc? I don't know. "Positive thinking" will only go so far. What I need is a good dose of "positive reinforcement" but not from my (girl)friends, or family. I want that fairy tale love. I want someone to looks at me and think I am the most beautiful person in the world, and make me believe it.

I've come a long way, but I still have a long way to go. This is the first step.

I do think I am attractive at times, I try to tell myself I am thin and that I don't need to lose any more weight.
But I still don't fully believe it yet. Maybe one day I will. But instead of waiting for it like I did before it got so bad, I will do something about it. And I will stop relying on other people to make me happy. Somehow.