For better or worse?

When people commit to marriage they make a pact with one another to stay together no matter what. But to what extent? This is not explained until or unless something goes wrong. So, I ask. To what extent are we expected to stick with someone "for better or worse." For some this pact is binding, and can cause great turmoil. Like the spouse who watches their partner suffer and die from cancer, or suffer a mental illness, or similar "unavoidable" situations. Imagine the spouse who is being abused, they made a pact to stick with this person through their worse. But is that what they meant? It shouldn't be. And there are many people who reject this pact now, saying "until we get bored with one another." Which is also not healthy. Because they never learn commitment.

This train of thought was triggered by listening to conference. I am overwhelmed by the emotions I feel. Anger, love, resentment, hope, understanding, helplessness, etc. I understand not everyone agrees with what my church teaches, but does that give them the right to slander and mock? I think not. Yet, so many people do. And not just my religion, specifically, but that slander is what affects me the most. It is all I know, all I've ever known, and what I believe to be true with all my heart. I won't hate you if you disagree. I won't try to change your mind. I won't make you feel stupid for believing something contrary to my beliefs, so why do so many people feel the need to do the opposite?

I ask this because someone very close to me decided it was all a lie. This person is full of hatred and resentment. I don't really know what triggered these feelings, but the more I cling to my beliefs the more this person makes a mockery of it and publicly slanders the good name of my church. I can't help but think this is a personal attack, because it was someone I trusted so much that has hurt me so deeply.

I am sure my relation with this person is obvious given my first paragraph, so I ask, is this the kind of "worse" that one is expected to endure as part of the pact they made at marriage? And, especially, if they feel as though the other person had given up on them at their "worse" and basically stated "suck it up. and let me know when you can handle a relationship."

It's no mystery how these kind of situations end with resentment, and hate, and distrust, among other negative emotions. Is there a way to avoid these emotions? I doubt it. So how does one counter these emotions? I've been more patient, and kind, and forgiving, and yet I still feel resentment, betrayal, and anger.

I am grateful for the things I have heard in this conference, but I can't help but feel pain. A lot of my pain is stemmed from the fact that not a mere 2 years ago I was in a "pact" with an entirely different person.

For instance the first paragraph from his last post on his blog (from 2010) states, "It was towards the end of this period of my life that I experienced epiphanies that felt like pillars of light descending upon me, imparting new understandings of things I’d been taught in my youth. These experiences culminated around the end of the year 1999, and caused me to start the next year as a new person. I quit the substances, and started reading the Book of Mormon every chance I got, and even started double dipping by attending my home Ward, followed by the services of the next closest Ward, every Sunday." And the like.

Now I see things like this being posted on face book and feel my heart being ripped right out of my chest, "The church insists that the billions it put up for this ridiculous tribute to capitalism (referring to some shopping mall in Salt Lake) did not come from tithing funds... Um, just because you have laundered your tithing through investments and deals, doesn't remove the donative nature of all funding a religion receives. I could have sworn that both the Bible and Book of Mormon have warned against the excessive pursuit of the "fine things of the world." Call me crazy, but I think this kind of thing falls on the dangerous side of excessive." Among other things like "Jesus is Satan's attorney." and "I would rather have a thoughtful atheist in office, than a Christian who uses their "faith" to attract voters and treats the invisible hand as if it were part of the trinity (or Godhead for all you Mormons)."

How can someone go from one extreme to the other in a matter of months/years? It is mind boggling to say the least, and quite painful. Remarks like the latter feel like daggers twisting in my heart. This is "worse." So is it so wrong to expect "better" ?

I feel in this situation it could have been prevented. Both parties are to blame. "What could I have done differently" Is futile because you can't change the past. So now I must face my future. How? I am frozen in time. I cannot move. Every minute is painfully slow some days and I am exhausted. Will I ever recover? Will it ever get any "better"? Is better just relative? I'm starting to wonder if in a few years this trial will seem so trivial compared to what awaits me in the future. I am frozen in fear, afraid of regression but rejecting progress.



 link for conference