can I just scream now?

This is another rant, sorry.
**UPDATES: Erik got us all a membership to the Y, except now that I'm pregnant I don't want to go...arg. He doesn't spend so much time away any more and spends most of his leisure time working on getting a new job. He recently quit playing Maffia because he realized he was wasting a lot of time on it.**

So recently Erik got a trial membership to a gym because he wants to lose weight. Needless to say, he spends more time outside than he spends at home. I don't know how to tell him I don't like him being gone so much (other than what I've already said). When I try to tell him how I feel he says, "would you rather I don't get in shape?" I guess I can't complain too much, because he is here sometimes.

It's just so frustrating because I NEED A BREAK! And there's no one to rescue me. As much as I love Grace, I feel trapped. It's partly my own fault for not making many friends here, but he needs to be more compassionate.

I told him I don't mind that he wants to go out every night, but I wish he wouldn't go alone. Meaning, he needs to find something for the whole family to do besides grocery shopping and church.

I understand that he has to go out wednesdays for scouts, and I understand that he enjoys going bowling tuesdays, but come on! does he have to go out mondays, thursdays and fridays too?

On top of that, he wants to have another baby. My response, "start helping out more with this one."
His response, "I changed her diaper and fed her today." That's great but it shouldn't mean he's off the hook.

Sure, we've gone to scouts and bowling, but it's not worth keeping Grace up when he still can't even talk to us.

Don't even get me started on what he does when he is home! Ever hear of technology obsession? If it's not the computer than it's the Xbox. I HATE IT!

Why do his friends/mother come before his wife/child? WHY? I am so tempted to block that stupid Maffia game, because he is so obsessed he plays it at work and keeps me up until 1 am every night.

And if I try to tell him how I am feeling, "you worry too much" "you're exaggerating" "you're acting like your mom" and my personal favorite, "you should learn how to control your hormones/emotions so they don't control you."

MEN!!

**there's more, but I'll spare you the details**

I don't feel like a nice person today

WARNING: there are things that people may find offensive. that is not my intention. I am just trying to reach out and let you know how I feel.

So yesterday I was feeling very bummed. I don't know why, but I was. And when I got thinking about how lucky I am, and how I have nothing to complain about, I just felt worse. I got thinking about it though, and I think that the theory "we chose our trials in heaven" may have some truth to it.

Let me make an analogy for you to better understand what I mean. Let's say that there was a certain weight in trials everyone needed in order to fulfill their purpose in life. Some chose a few big trials where others chose a bunch of little trials (like myself). It's like the old riddle, "you have a ton of bricks and a ton of feathers, which weighs more?" They weigh the same, but there are a lot more feathers than bricks.

I think my life has represented the feather side of the riddle. Sure, I've had my trials, but when compared to someone else my life has been . . .well, feathers. I've got a friend who seems to be carrying a lot of bricks on her back and I ache for her, but I know that she can handle them (though at the time none of us feel like we can handle it). I look at her with respect, because I know I couldn't handle such big trials as well as she does.

Honestly, the worse thing that's ever happened to me is the loss of my grandpas. I don't want to sound like I am bragging, I am grateful. But I can't help but wonder if I am being too judgmental sometimes. You see, I look at these people with their pile of bricks and I say to myself, "what are you complaining about? my pile of feathers is so much bigger than your pile of bricks."

I came to this realization this morning when I had a dream that very blatantly showed me what a cruel and selfish person I am being. I won't bore you with all the details, but I will tell you what it was that hit me "like a ton of bricks."

First I will give you a little back ground. Recently, I seem to be surrounded by women who are having a hard time starting their family. I feel for them, but I don't know what to do or say, and I feel that I can't say anything because as far as I know I can get pregnant very easily. It wasn't until one of them sent me a link that said exactly how she was feeling that I realized what they are going through. It simply said this, "not being able to conceive is like having a loved one die every month." I never thought about it like that. I am glad she opened my eyes.

So anyway, in this dream a complete stranger came to me desperately seeking my help. Basically she was going to force me to be a surrogate mother for her. She was willing to do anything, which was obvious because she had broken into the house and intended on kidnapping me to get a baby. In this dream I was so cruel to her, I said some things that were so horrible I don't remember them. When I woke up I realized that I am being insensitive in real life, to women I am very close to. I feel horrible about it.

I have no idea what any of them are going through, and hope I never have to experience that pain.

So, to all of you out there that are having a hard time conceiving or have lost a baby I am so sorry that I have been so insensitive to you! In my heart I know you will be a great mom, and I sincerely pray that day comes for you very soon. I love you all and I want you to feel the joy that I feel every day when I am hugging my little "Squishy." It really is the best feeling in the world, and everyone who seeks after it truly deserves it.

Sitting on edge

Well the rocky road hasn't cleared yet. We've got a month left on Erik's contract then it's off to another job, maybe another city, maybe another state. Actually, most likely another state (even if it's just Rhode Island).

Got my first puppet order! for more on that go to my other blog. (http://dkpuppets2.blogspot.com)

The last couple of weeks were a little scary because I finally went to the doctor. My heart is normal, yay. I don't have arthritis or diabetes. But the doctor told me I need to take better care of myself. Those of you who know me well know I forget to eat sometimes. My blood sugar levels were scary low as well as my potassium and vit D. So now I am taking a vit D once a week and prescribed to go outside. I guess being a hermit isn't healthy? lol.

Next week I will be getting my gallbladder and kidneys checked. (everything was normal)

Enough about me, here are some cute pictures of Grace!

Get those creative juices flowing

Ever since I moved to Massachusetts and got out of that funk I was in, my creativity has rocketed! In the last couple of months I have made 4 puppets and assisted in the creation of 5 others. Not to mention the 3 elephants I made (from a pattern), the baby doll for Grace, the slippers I made, the book bag, and pacifier pods. Not only that, I started writing again! Not just scripts, but science fictional stuff (with my two buds of course). And once I'm done writing my scripts, I intend to record them (one in the process now). I am on fire!! I just hope that if we have to move that doesn't put me into another funk. I've got a million ideas shooting around in my head, so many that I barely finish one project before starting another. I feel like an ADHD kid in a toy store.

I need my puppets! They are all in Utah (except for the 4 I just made) along with all my supplies to make more puppets, and my stage. AAAAAAHHHHHH! Anyone want to chip in to help my family ship them to me? ha, just kidding. That's WAAAAAY too much money. It would almost be cheaper to drive there and get it myself. Anyone taking a road trip to Utah? Or from Utah?

So what's next??
Well, I've got to write these scripts! And record them So that when I am finally reunited with my beloved puppets I can take them the next day and put on a show. Of course, I will need to buy another part to my stage...I DIed that part. Hmm. Anyone want to help design a PVC pipe stage???

I still need to work out the measurements, but that shouldn't be too hard.

Anyone want to be a voice for one of my scripts?

Anyone have any great stories I can use as scripts?

Anyone want to make a soundtrack for my scripts?

Anyone want to help me make a music video for They Might Be Elders?

Anyone else hate this background?

See, ADHD.... maybe it was the potato chips. Or the Pizza.

I better quit before my brain explodes!